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Old 01-26-2012, 12:02 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I can't help but feel like people who need to be with their partners all the time have dependency issues.

I personally find it very draining to be involved with people who can't stand being away from me.
Firstly, "need" and "all" are very absolute words. "strong desire for" and "most" would probably be more accurate. And maybe the OP and I do have dependency issues, but so? I probably have dependency issues, frankly, but I'm doing alright. The key is that I know myself, know what I need and want, and can communicate effectively enough to find partners that are ok with my needs and wants. Neither MC nor TGIB have a problem with the amount of alone time they get compared to together time, so what does it matter if I'm a little on the dependent side? Who am I hurting? I said I didn't like to be alone, not that I couldn't be alone. There's a big difference. The OP is saying she wants more time with her bf, not that she can't function without him. Also a big difference.
I think it's important for people to meet their own needs themselves. Expecting other people to meet your needs puts a heavy burden on them. It's a lot to live up to.
If we meet all our needs ourselves what's the point of having any relationships? I agree putting all that burden on ONE person isn't fair. No one person should be the center of my world and reason for being, not even myself. I live for myself, my kids, my partners, my family, my friends, the kids I help at work...

You know, this thread is making me think of my best friend from high school. He's the opposite from me in some ways, and wants so much alone time that for a large part of my 20's I was worried about him. He probably has intimacy issues, but I've realized that it doesn't matter. He's happy and content with his job and video games and cats and friends and doesn't want a romantic or even purely sexual relationship with anyone. He has no desire to entangle his life with anyone besides his roommate (his sister) and that's ok too. He's fine.
For those who feel the need to share every aspect of their lives with their partner, I'm curious: do you have a history of rushing into serious relationships?
Again, "every" is a strong word. I don't like EVERYTHING the MC and TGIB like, nor do they like everything I like, but I want to hear about things that are important to them, even if I don't share their enthusiasm. And vice versa. I would never have been exposed to anime, for instance, if I had never gone to an Anime Club meeting with a previous bf, which is where I met MC. The three of us like a lot of the same stuff and have similar interests, so it's usually VERY easy to hang out together, but the interests that are different can be excellent ways to grow and learn too.

I tend to rush in to close friendships (when things just "click"!) and sometimes get hurt because of it, but I don't rush in to "sharing my life" kind of relationships. I've only ever had two, the two I'm in now, though there were two others that could maybe have gotten to this level if other things hadn't interfered. So, 4 in 20 years of dating? No, I don't rush in.
Does that ever leave a trail of destruction when the relationships don't work out? Or is it more that you're comparing your marriage, which you've spent years building, to a new relationship that's still growing? Perhaps all you need is to give the new relationship time to flourish.
No, and I doubt it. 1 of the 2 "maybes" was before I ever even met my husband, and the other "maybe" is coming from MC's perspective. I don't think of that relationship as THAT serious, but he sees it as when we began being poly. *shrug*

MC and I knew we'd be sharing our lives before we had been together 6 months. TGIB and I took a little longer but we also knew fairly quickly considering it's a LDR and we've only been together in person for a total of 3 weeks. So I stick with the idea that it doesn't matter how much or how little time you want with a partner as long as you communicate what you want and it works for your partner as well. That's how you avoid lopsided relationships where people end up hurt because they're not getting what they need.

ETA: To clarify, MC and I have the house, kids, joint account, etc. He is my "primary" and we have a legally recognized commitment to each other as well as a personal one. TGIB is my descriptive secondary because while we may at some point share living space (if there's enough of it!) we will never have kids together, combine finances, or own anything together. But we plan on being in each other's lives for the duration. That's our personal commitment to each other.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack

Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 01-26-2012 at 12:07 AM.
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