The girl we initially started dating decided she wasn't ready for romance, so we've been seeing her as a friend, which has been harder than I'd thought. I guess I hadn't realize how much I liked her until she drew her line.
I've also been struggling with some psychiatric prescription drugs I've been on, been feeling groggy, out-of-it, detached and disconnected, super-over-tired, and so emotionally unstable I couldn't have begun to pinpoint the reasons why.
And so many changes have been happening, so quickly! Our friend is now staying in a room in the house where we're renting a room, so we're spending a lot of time together, getting to know each other, getting to understand each others' barriers, and recognizing each others' love. I've never known before how much love is possible. I've never felt this much love in myself. And I don't care if she wants to kiss me, call me her lover, her partner, or her friend. She has done something for my partner and I that I didn't know until last night was missing. She gave us a moment's distance, enough to see and feel each other as unique and separate individuals, and all of us, in love. We cuddled, the three of us, last night, warm in our bed, and there was some heavy petting, though no kissing. And the intensity of the moment was so incredible, I felt I would writhe out of my own skin and shine like a diamond in the snow. And we are still, only friends. And I don't know what next! No idea.
She's been helping me a lot. She went through similar struggles with her own health, having to completely revise her diet and exercise. I started tapering off my prescriptions yesterday, under the guidance of my prescribing doctor. Within two weeks' time, my body and my mind will be entirely my own, with no additives or artificial flavorings! She's a massage therapist, so she's been helping me adjust physically to the changes in my chemical balance. The office where she works is an acupuncture clinic, relatively inexpensive, where I'm hoping to get some treatment to further help in this transition. She is also active in yoga, and has been having me help her clean a local studio where we can both take free classes. I'm hoping these changes will help me to further ground myself, find myself, express myself, and learn to be myself within myself
And the changes in my ability to understand and recognize love are so immense. Watching her respond to my partner's touch aroused in me a new love for both of them, an empathetic yearning, and a joy in their exploration of each other. Because I care for both of them, there was no pain or fear, only love and joy. No darkness, only light.
When did I forget, love is not smaller than the sky? When did I lose my faith in others? When did I lose my faith in myself? When did I let the fear overcome the fire and the light?
I don't know.
All I know is, love is so grand. And I am thankful to have so much of it to share.