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Old 01-25-2012, 06:42 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I wrote a final copy of thoughts and feelings along with assumptions about what was going on that will likely never be sorted. I am posting it today to be released from it all and to move on. I don't mean harm to people. I only hope to help myself and others. I needed to write this out in order to bring back what I have had taken away, my sense of self worth and self esteem. I am pretty sure that Leo and/or his wife will read this at some point and I can only imagine what they will think. I am not expecting pleasant words and thoughts from them, but I do hope they respect me enough to let by-gones-be-by-gones. What matters now is that we all move on.

Quote:
Having read my blog and all emails about Leo and I all over again what I want to say has changed from where I first began last week. I have a whole story in my head and in writing of what three years brought to my life and where we ended. This is the synopsis of all of that.

In reading back I discovered that I struggled with several things going on for us;

I struggled with the lack of time we had together as he decided it would only be once a month we see each other. Gradually it became less and less. I longed for more time. It made me feel sad that I wasnít able to spend time with someone I love. It was too long between dates for me to feel constantly connected to a point where I could relax and just enjoy our time together. Most of my issues would of been sorted out if there had been more attention to this need of mine being met (his work being close was doing it for me, but was too little too late).

Because of lack of time I found it hard to trust that I was worth something to him and felt as if I was coaxing him and bugging him, like a whiney child, to hang out with me. I wanted him to plan what we did more and at least show some enthusiasm in meeting rather than shuffling dates further and further away, which is what was happening by the end. I felt like I was irritating and in the end, after feeling all that, I just felt sad about it and resigned to my role in his life.

After our last date, when I asked in what turned out to be one last time, if he could just let me know when he is free, in the hopes to have some kind of indication that I am worth something to him, he said we were done. He miss understood what I was saying but, in the process of understanding, he said I had become someone he had lost connection with. It was hard to hear, but people break up with others every day. He was breaking up with me.

I struggled with not having sex with him and the process to find connection regardless of that. Mono and his wife both struggled with the thought or us having sex and while Mono was willing to re-look at his point of view in regards to the decision I made with him in mind about not having sex, Leoís wife was not. The wind was taken from my sails when I heard this. More lack of connection and bonding, it made me feel there was no commitment to a future and I was concerned for ďus.Ē I kept my distance in order to cope. That was working for a time, but it made me sad and anxious before every date because I knew I would be faced with my longing for something more and having to hold back my attention. It made me envious that his wife could have a sexual relationship with someone else and he could not.

I struggled to understand and accept Leoís wifeís boundaries. It seems that her opinion held huge value for him. He told me once that he would follow what she says and that I am a secondary and they are couple-centered. I remember that he had some judgment at the time that I would think anything different and expect anything different. I realized that we did poly differently and that might be a concern (actually he never said he was poly).

He told me that he told her everything that he struggled with, but also that he told her nothing that wasnít relevant to them as a couple. Did he tell her of some of the good conversations we had? Did he relay anything I did in my life that was positive? When I heard he read my blog I wondered if it had been her who read it. I wondered if she pointed out the posts that she wanted him to see as evidence that I was not good for him.

I had a hard time understanding how they work together. It was assumed I would follow along without questions because that was over thinking and not keeping it simple. It wasnít simple to me to do that. It was more complicated than communicating and being in touch even just a little bit.

As I donít value hierarchical poly and see people as people, not as couples when it comes to romantic relationships. I felt uncomfortable with their dynamic as it was. I was frustrated and confused by their way of doing things. I did submit to their way as much as I could I think. Sure there was drama around all of this for me, but I was also patient, empathetic, an advocate for her in terms of him paying attention to her and wanted her to be happy. I went at her pace as best as I could without entirely losing my own boundaries due to lack of communication and lack of involvement in his life. As far as I can see he found his work life more important than his relationship life (as well he should of at the time) and I found my relationship life more important. I thought he over thought work, he thought I over thought my relationships. I was hoping would think more about his relationships when he got settled into his new business, but that was not to be during my time with him.

If it werenít for the bf coming into his wifeís life and the assumptions made about why I went for coffee with him, if there werenít confusion over our last date in terms of me asking him to let me know when he is free and how that doesnít mean I am wanting to break up, if I had only listened and believed that he was dumping me the first time he said it, if he hadnít of said the things he did that hurt me so much, if only he hadn't read my whole blog in an emotional state, if only I were not so hurt and angry that I could HEAR what he was saying I would of walked away with the possibility of being friends with him. Now he has no spark for me, I am left feeling used. Itís a relationship break up. It is what it is. Not unusual really.

I wonder if he really did read my posts and saw everything I said that was positive. Especially in the last 6 months. I was beginning to let go of old thinking and realizing that I was fine the way our relationship was. There were many times I came home from our dates feeling loved and cherished. I felt that our relationship was worth working on. He was coming out of a really tumultuous time and things were looking up for him. I thought that now that things were more settled and he was happy that we could kick back and chat about less loaded issues and just be together. I thought we had a future. It seems I was wrong.

I am not apologizing for the struggle Leo and I went through. I could have been a dedicated and loyal friend and lover for many years to come if he was looking for that in someone like me, but he wasn't. He told me many times that he could not fulfill my need for closeness to each other, time together, words of love, affection and support almost daily as well as good conversations that were challenging but lead to acceptance and more connection. I chose to continue and see what happened and so did he. This is where it ended up; with my being dumped. He is not to blame. I am not to blame. It was the course we were on and neither of us are to blame for who we are.

After doing all my reading and thinking I am left with a feeling of helplessness, sadness, desperateness to be understood and resigned that itís over. As far as I can see, I was not interesting enough to keep around any more. I was a source of happiness at one point when times were rough and now that his life is happy and his relationship with his wife is going well I am not needed. That makes me terribly sad. It triggers something really deep inside of me that I now have to work on.

Quote:
I am a woman that has high expectations of loves in my life and I don't settle for what I consider to be a half ass relationship. I am demanding. I take my relationships very seriously, work hard at them and expect the same in return. I told him that from the beginning. I think on every detail as I try and make sense of those I love and how I can better connect with them. Over time its not as necessary and do this less and less, but with little time together with partners my process was amplified when we are together. I am more intense and more expectant. I need to work on that more and am working on that more as it isn't fair on those I love.
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