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Old 01-24-2012, 10:27 PM
kylee kylee is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Default Triads, LDRs, Break Ups, and New Relationships

Hello, all!

I'm feeling like a bit of weirdo these days, so I thought it might help to touch base with a poly community and appeal to other people's experiences. This is my first post here -- I've browsed around a little, but if there's already a thread for this subject, feel free to redirect me to it.

So, basically, I'm a girl-loving girl, and I'm lucky enough to have two girls who love me. Both relationships are long-distance, but we keep in touch, have long chats, support each other from afar, and visit when we can. Let's call them ... Ontario and Virginia. We used to be a triad, with me dating Virginia, Virginia dating Ontario, Ontario dating me. We didn't plan it that way, but it worked out nicely, and we could go on group dates when we were together.

About a year and a half ago, after a particularly stressful visit, Ontario broke up with Virginia. It was a shock to me, and I pulled back hard, not knowing what to do. And the sucky thing about LDRs is pulling back is easy. But time marched on, Ontario was absorbed in schoolwork, and I went from being in a triad to having a primary relationship with Virginia and a secondary relationship with Ontario, mostly conducted over the occasional e-mail.

After Ontario graduated, we had the opportunity to speak more and share more, and she became more of a co-primary in my life. Recently, she came to visit, and we were giddy as though with new relationship energy. But I'm finally processing the break, and realizing how little was processed. Virginia is as happy for us as I could hope for -- she thinks we're adorable, and is full of compersion -- but she still loves Ontario. She feels like she must have screwed up or done something wrong to drive Ontario away (though Ontario told me she just wasn't 'feeling it' anymore) and ... well, it hurts me to see her so hurt. And I miss what we used to have.

On top of that, Ontario became ambiguisweeties with Nova Scotia, who Virginia used to have a crush on. Nova Scotia is a kind, funny, talented person, but when she's depressed she's prone to paranoia and jealousy and she becomes insensible to reason. And, frankly, I'm prone to depression and anxiety, too, and I had to beg for some distance from Nova Scotia when her depression was making her especially demanding, and I couldn't cope with my own. Virginia separated from her entirely.

I hope that Ontario and Nova Scotia will be good for each other, but ... it drives me a little mad to see them together on twitter, flirting and sharing in-jokes. I've tried to figure out why that is, and talked to Ontario about it. It could be the ambiguity, not knowing what's going on or how to interpret it -- and Ontario's been obliging in helping me figure that out. It could be their NRE, but like I said, four years on and me and Ontario still have NRE to spare. It could be fear for myself, if Nova Scotia becomes paranoid and accusing, but I have to trust in Ontario. And Nova Scotia's seemed a lot less passive-aggressive since I set boundaries with her.

It could be that I miss our triad, and this development is reminding me that we won't ever be able to return to it. That seems ... weird and petty.

Whoa, TLDR. To sum up -- me, Ontario, and Virginia were dating. Ontario and Virginia split up. Virginia had a crush on Nova Scotia, they had some problems, I had some problems, but now Nova Scotia is ambiguisweeties with Ontario. I'm stupidly jealous and insecure.

So, questions. Is that completely weird? Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do you do when your triad breaks up? How can I soothe hurt feelings when they arise? And what should I do about my stupid jealousy? Because it is so, so stupid.
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