Two nights ago, Gia and I were hanging out and we got to talking about the idea of "settling down" with a partner in the context of me fretting over my relationship with Davis. I said that I didn't want to do that if I wasn't sure it was right, that maybe it'd be better to stay open to what else might come along. She said that she thought that if someone new came into my life looking to settle down I'd run a mile. In so many words, she said that if I were a commitment-minded person I would have gotten into and stayed in a LTR by now.
It bothered me that she thought this of me. I don't really like it when people assume that they know things about me in general, rather than starting by asking, and this in particular didn't feel right. It bugged me to think that she might pass over opportunities to seek out a deeper level of commitment with me out of a perception that I'm just not like that.
I wrote her this email in response. I almost didn't send it, but then I thought "No, I held off on telling Eric I loved him, and I held off on discussing the concept of family, because I didn't want to push things, but correcting a misconception is not the same as pushing, she can draw from it what she wants."
So I hit send. And now I'm going to be quietly freaking out until I hear something back. Fun. :/
* * *
On my bike ride home today I found myself thinking about commitment. What does it mean to me, am I seeking it, have I sought it in the past, am I open to it at all? These thoughts were triggered in part by your comment that you thought I would run if someone wanted to settle down, so I thought you might be interested. This is also just an important topic for me to try to sort out at this time in my life.
What I eventually came to is this. I don't think I'm what one would call commitment-phobic, I'm just not commitment-focused. This has waxed and waned over time, of course, but is a theme in my life to date.
We all have our ideas about ourselves, but what really reveals us is our actions. So I looked at my past to get some clues about my attitudes and behaviors around commitment.
I noted first that I've never dreamed of a wedding or kids or a "settled" life. It's hard for me to even picture it. But then, that's in keeping with my attitude towards life generally in that I've also never dreamed of any alternate arrangements... rather, it seems kind of absurd to me to try to map out my life in advance. I've never had a five year plan, I went into college with no clue what I'd end up majoring in, I've been happy to see what comes and make decisions as I go along. There have been times when I've derided the idea of marriage for myself, but in reality I've been neutral towards it for the majority of my life. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't, neither state is preferable as long as I'm vibrant and happy.
So, with little to go on in my attitudes, I look at my choices. What have I committed to, or not committed to.
In terms of jobs, I've done a bunch of different things but when it's been right I've stayed. My first "real" job outta college, at [redacted], I had (with various titles) for 5 years. Not out of inertia, but because it was right, until it kind of disastrously wasn't. It was hard to leave, but I also had no fear of it. I feel very self-sufficient and confident in my ability to get by, and maybe that makes it easier to not need commitment. In my current job, I could see myself staying until retirement but I wouldn't be devastated by any means if I ended up trying something new in a year instead.
My love life has actually progressed very similarly. A great deal of variety, some striking serious stretches, no particular fear grounding me in place nor anxiety and restlessness forcing me onwards, just... taking what I find as it comes. My first relationship, at age 13, lasted a year and a half... a lifetime at that age. He suggested getting engaged and I scoffed because 1) we were 14, and 2) there were some obvious incompatibilities (he didn't like to read). I moved on and had a number of relationships throughout high school, none of which were ready/right for the long term. Then there was Ziggy who broke my heart like a dick. He thought he was setting me free, thought I was too young to be serious with him, when really that was exactly what I wanted. Gods forbid he talk to me about it then, nope, he just left all stoic like. Dick.
Less than a year later there was Davis and he and I moved in together quickly, within months of being officially together. It didn't scare me to do so because I knew I wanted to give it a go with him. We had three years of partnered life together before I had to end it so that we could both regain our emotional health and sanity. And to try again with Ziggy of course, for the little good that did.
And then there's been you. Two+ years now, second longest stretch thus far. Is it easier because we *can't* "settle down" in the way a mono couple might, less scary? I don't know. But it's taken commitment to get this far, I do know that. When I was looking for a new job I thought "this is it, I'm going to try to go to [redacted place name]" and I did apply for one thing, but then you and Eric started trying to get pregnant in earnest and I knew that, actually, I wasn't going anywhere, and stopped looking. I may never have said it in this way aloud but at that point I committed to you, for as long as we could both make it work. I knew that I wanted to be there with you through this, to see what we could be. It was hard at times during the pregnancy and shortly afterwards... as much as it was often lovely and amazing, it was sometimes also scary and very hard (it's gotten significantly easier since, and it's never been less than totally worth it, don't doubt), but I told myself "self, suck it up, stick it out" and I never really wavered because I knew the choice I'd made and I believed in it.
If that's not commitment, what is? A handfasting ceremony? If things were in something resembling a groove, and if I hadn't told you I wouldn't be looking for us to do a bunch of growing together during this crazy time, hell, maybe I'd start thinking about that. Since I'm not a romantic in the sense that Eric describes it, I don't. [Note: Eric disparagingly describes "romantics" as people who act on unrealistic ideas and expectations.] Moving in together? It wouldn't work for either of us to move in to the other's space right now, for many reasons, but if it did make sense at some point and I thought Eric was amenable, I'd consider it. I don't need any of these things, of course -- I've found I'm able to appreciate my relationships for what they are and not try to force them into a different mold... part innate and part learned, I think -- but I also don't want you to misunderstand and think that I don't seek them because they go against my grain in some way. Not at all.
Then there's Davis again, round 2. I am, admittedly, afraid of the idea of us moving in with each other, blending our lives, doing the primary thing. But when I think it through it's not that I'm afraid of the intended structure and thus am wary of the relationship, it's that I have serious concerns about the relationship itself and thus see moving to that structure as a dangerous idea. When things are going well I can think about moving in together, even think about things like marriage, and feel nothing but pleased at the thought. I decorate our imaginary house in my head. But the idea of doing it if we're ultimately going to be wrong for each other is just nauseating in contrast, because I'd end up feeling awful and trapped and then I'd have to leave and I know from experience how much of yourself you leave behind when you leave something like that.
Kids are the one bit that most people would probably include in an overview of commitment and settling down that I haven't touched on. It seems pointless to think much on the subject unless I have a settled partnership in my life in which a child could conceivably thrive, or unless I get overwhelmed by some heretofore unfelt desire to reproduce. As for Bee, well, he's not my child, durr, but that doesn't mean I couldn't commit to being in his life... except that, ultimately, my connection to him can only be as strong as my connection to you and your husband (it doesn't bear thinking on to try to determine if/how I'd stay in his life if we broke up), so for now I concern myself with how we're doing and take the chance to connect with him as a wonderful side benefit.
So, yeah. Commitment. Not focused, not phobic, happy to drift along without it when that's the space my life is in, happy to embrace it when it's right, hella opposed when it's not right. From a practical point, if nothing else, I see its value, the value of the family it creates, the support and stability. The fact that I haven't yet found the right person to tie myself to lastingly who also wanted to tie his or herself to me does not I think, mean much, nor do my occasional bouts of thinking that I need to be free and try a million different things before I die above any other potential life concerns or goals... its easy to think that sort of thing when there's no reason for you to be anything other than free, quite another when you have something you care about more than the notion of freedom. Case in point, a year ago I might have said that being free to sleep with whomever I chose was of great importance to me, but I was content enough to relinquish that freedom at Davis's request when we moved into relationship mode this summer.
Maybe you've seen different things in me? I'd be curious to have your perspective. I hope this wasn't too heavy, and thanks for listening, so to speak.
