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Old 01-24-2012, 10:04 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 67

Originally Posted by ms74 View Post
Since then I have been going back and forth if I want to know what happens between them.
What, specifically, do you mean by this? "What happens between them" is too broad of an idea; you need to be specific about what you mean so there isn't any confusion when you discuss it with your gf. Do you mean knowing about where they go on dates, whether they hold hands, who ate what for dinner, how often they say the word 'camel'? Do you mean knowing what deep, dark secrets they share, how many times they kiss, what color socks he wears for her, whether or not they take tapdancing classes? Do you mean how and how often they have sex? How fulfilling it is? What position he prefers? How much she likes what he does?

Some (much) of what they do is, frankly, not even your buisiness, unless EVERYBODY agrees that it should be. You're not talking only about HER privacy, but HIS, too.

There are some things that are your right to know and her obligation to disclose - those things are anything that may have a direct impact on your life. For example, you are entitled to know about anything that involves your health - if they are sexually active, you should know that, and what their safer sex practices are (condoms, other barriers, etc.). This is important and deserves some negotiation. If she has sex with both of you with no barrier protection, that increases the risk both of you are exposed to, and is important for you to know so you can make educated decisions about your health.

But things like how often they have sex, what he likes to do during sex, how small or how big his body parts are, even how often they cuddle or kiss, just aren't your business. That involves his privacy. If HE is okay with her telling you how he likes to have sex, fine, but that's his privacy and he should have the right to decide who he shares it with.

I don't think she tells him what happens between us
You have a right to your privacy, too. He deserves to know his safer sex risks, just like you do, so he should know if you guys have sex and what your safer sex practices are. But he shouldn't get to know things like what color underwear you wear or how many orgasms you had last week unless you're okay with her telling him that. This is something you should discuss with your gf, you shouldn't have to guess what she tells others about your privacy.

so I go back and forth if I want to know if I have a right to know.
If you WANT to know if he has a mole on his left buttock, or if he kisses her dimples, or if you feel you REQUIRE her to tell you these things, then she needs to know that so she can either agree to tell you and risk losing her bf because he might not date someone who shares private info about his sex life, or she can refuse and risk you ending the relationship because you can't handle her not telling you his private stuff. That's for you and her to hammer out together, and set boundaries and expectations about.

Do I have a right to know?
Anything that DIRECTLY IMPACTS YOUR LIFE, you have a right to know. Other stuff, boils down to what you feel you NEED or WANT to know, and whether she and he are okay sharing it with you. He probably doesn't mind you knowing how the tap dancing class went, but he might not want you to know how many hours he spent crying with her about his cat passing away. Some stuff is just private.

If so if anyone can answer should I know? As in is it helpful or hurtful? I think I want to know because of my jealousy but I am trying so hard to control that feeling. I am confused please help.
Maybe a better question to ask yourself is, "What BENEFIT will our relationship have when she tells me about _____?" Safer sex stuff, big benefit. Whether he has a cute freckle on the end of his dick, probably not beneficial. But this is stuff you need to determine with her and, to a lesser degree, with him (or her with him).
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