Forum newb, our poly life, looking for a friendly ear.
__/|\__ Namaste. I do apologize for the length of this post. I did not intend for it to be so verbose but I wanted to properly give one a feel for our family life... and mainly just to vent and remind myself of how good it used to be...
Well I suppose some quick background. I am a 41 year old gay male. My teenage years were of course filled with all the normal teen angst and drama along with the drama and angst of being gay. I eventually came out to my parents who supported me and said that all they wanted for me in life was to be happy and to find contentment. I met a boy in my senior year of high school who was a junior. We immediately hit it off and we have been together ever since.
"Brian" at first identified as gay and seemed surprisingly at ease in his own skin despite the rampant homophobia present in our school. When we went to college we stayed in contact and discussed at length the reality that things would probably not remain monogamous over distance. I was pained by this discussion at first, and decidedly hurt but came to accept it as 'the way things are'. We were open about the new people we met and casually 'dated'.
Soon I came to realize that he was being more 'secretive' or rather quiet about his relationships. Where we once shared stories about our dates and how they went and shared laughs about the ridiculous nuances he started to withdrawal. I finally pushed him on what would be my last winter break from school. He told me he had been seeing women and was afraid I would not approve.
I landed a nice job and bought a house that was within commuting distance to Brian's classes in a 'gay' part of town that had once been a 'bad neighborhood' but experienced a revitalization when the gays started buying up all the cheap property to renovate.
We moved in and quickly made it our home. I had lost interest in any of my prior partners on the side, but Brian continued to see this one young woman. I was surprised by how at ease I was with this and quickly became the norm to ask him how his date with "Liz" went when he came home on a Saturday or Sunday morning. After a few months out of the blue he asked if I would like to meet her. I was at first reticent and fearful that I would experience unfathomable jealousy but agreed that we should invite her to our home for dinner.
I was as scared as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs and when she arrived it was apparent she too was on edge. But all of that quickly evaporated as we both already knew so much about each other through Brian. I admit I was surprised at how much she knew about Brian and I and our relationship and how obviously open he was with her. We soon became extremely good friends with her spending frequent time at our home.
Even when Brian was not around she would stop by to spend time with me. Brian is not one for the orchestra or opera which both Liz and I absolutely adore. I found myself in a situation I could have never predicted as a gay man with no sexual interest in women, I was genuinely falling in love with her emotionally. While to this day we've never been sexually intimate, we are physically close. Imagine cuddling while watching a TV show, or sharing a bed and cuddling all night.
Obviously such an unorthodox relationship dynamic fit right in and seemed 'normal' in our own queer little neighborhood. Brian's parents were no longer in the picture as they had long since distanced themselves from his "deviant lifestyle choices" for being gay. My parents frequently visited but I felt that it was prudent to hide this further deviation from societal 'norms' from them. Liz was simply a close friend of ours in their view. Liz's parents however were/are your stereotypical "make peace and love not war" type of hippies. The first time we invited them over for dinner I answered the door and invited them in introducing myself and her mother says "so are you the gay one, or the bi one sticking it to my daughter?" LMAO.
We fell into a right sense of normality that just felt right. We were communicative and forthright about our wants and desires and quite frank. Dinner was family time, the time to communicate and openly express what was on our minds under the agreement of having it met with equal openness, honesty, and frankness without fear of retribution or hostility. While it wasn't always perfect and there was the occasional backlash, things went pretty smoothly for us.
During one particular Monday night dinner about a year after the two of them had graduated and gotten jobs in their respective fields, I declared quite frankly "I think we should have a child." Brian spit up a little wine and Liz met my declaration by screaming in the highest pitch I've ever heard her yell at "Are you f*cking insane?" (the dog ran from the dining room even). After some serious discussions over the next few months we determined that yes, we would like to have a child. Liz's concern was of the "unfairness" to me as predicated by my being gay in determining who the father would be. Without going into graphic details we settled on a way to eliminate this unfairness that she perceived and would not let go despite my reassurances to the contrary.
And before we knew it our lives were turned upside down by a screaming baby boy waking us up at all hours of the night. By now my family had gotten used to Liz being a part of Brian and my life. I can't imagine that they ever figured it out but if they did they sure brought their poker faces. When Liz came home with the baby my mother had taken it upon herself to get the nursery ready. Her and my father greeted us at the door and couldn't wait to see Liz's little baby. Neither of them knew that the three of us had decided to have a child together. When my mother took our son in her arms she looked at me with a face of shock. "Christ John, he looks ... he looks just like you." she looked at my father who then looked between Brian, Liz and I. I'm certain that's when they figured everything out.
Our lives were so much more rich than we could have ever imagined with our new son, and in a short amount of time he had a baby sister on the way compliments of Brian. During the third trimester of her second pregnancy Liz met another new expecting mother at the OB/GYN office. They quickly became friends. "Carol" was to be a single mother who was terrified and alone. Unfortunately her entrance into our life was also a great time of sadness for her when she lost her child during childbirth. As her friend Liz asked if she could stay with us as her parents had disowned her for having pre-marital sex. Though to clarify she was taken advantage of while intoxicated at a party.
We welcomed her into our home to help get her back on her feet. Liz established immediate report with her and it became apparent that the two were falling in love. And as they found love in each other both Brian and I came to love Carol as one of our own. She fit right in and was a perfect match for our dynamic. She came to find genuine peace in our home and our family and was just as good of a mother to our children as Liz.
Our children started growing up. Our son "David" (5 yrs now) had already established our familial titles daddy and papa for Brian and I, and mommy and mama for Liz and Carol respectively. Carol and Liz frequently took David and his sister "Morgan" to one of those "mommy and me" activity classes. David was quickly growing to be a curious and questioning little bugger like I had once been at his age. The catalyst for our next major family change came one night while we were watching a nature show about a pregnant elephant.
David turned from the TV and looked between Liz and Carol "mama, mommy, which one of you did I come out of?" The question took all of us by surprise and left me with palpitations and a dry mouth. Carol cleared her throat "Your mommy gave birth to you sweetheart." His face belied the gears rolling in his head "oh..." he paused contemplatively "...are you still my mama though?" we all nodded. It was just a quick few more questions before his resilient little mind wrapped itself around our rather complex family dynamic.
After the kids were put to bed we had a family meeting to lay everything out on the table. The discussion focused on Carol and how she felt being a part of the family. With some encouragement and recognition she admitted that she at times felt to be more of an outsider because us three were bonded by children. As inconceivable as it is to say or put into words Brian managed to sum up all of our feelings when he said "So what I'm taking away from this discussion is that as a whole all of us feel as though our family is too small for all this love we have?" Carol's emotional dam broken and we shared a good family cry together.
Carol and I developed a special relationship which at times surprised me. I found myself deciding she was in fact sexually appealing, and often times found the two of us physically intimate, but only rarely engaging in intercourse. usually when Brian and Liz were particularly heavy for each other leaving us seeking comfort in each other. As a family we decided it should be Carol and I to bring our next child into our lives. And another 19 months later our forth child, another son was born compliments of Brian this time.
Soon we came to realize that our family size perfectly fit our Love. Our children spent their formative years in a stable environment. Carol was a dedicated home maker and at times the glue that kept us from shattering into a hundred different directions. Three professional incomes under one roof made our financial situation so much more easier than those of our peers and coworkers. And the varying schedules ensured that there was always someone to take care of anything.
(yes there's more...)
Last edited by tactical; 01-25-2012 at 12:00 AM.