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Old 01-23-2012, 07:59 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 206
Default Not sure I like being a secondary, is it something I can get better at?

Background: I'm a woman married to a bi guy w/2 kids and I have a boyfriend who has two other full time mates (m/f) and 2 kids. I'm also new to polyamory.

Dilemma: Struggling with feelings in the secondary relationship. Somehow, this secondary relationship has become rather serious in that we share some pretty strong feelings for each other after about a year of dating. But we don't live together, nor do I really see a way to make that happen. So, I'm not sure where we go from here...

We see each other a couple of times a week, some of it is social, with our mates and other times are more just about 'us'. B/f seems happy with the arrangement and it's okay for the most part. But deep inside, I wish we could have more together... I want to be able to talk to him whenever I feel like it, give him a hug when I get the urge, wake up together once in a while...basically just share my life with him AND my hubby...yet I know it's never going to happen. We both have families that we're committed to. Then I start to wonder: HOW on earth can this relationship sustain itself if it cannot grow? It's like we're 'stuck' at the dating stage and never moving past it.

Question: Am I unable to feel satisfied with a secondary relationship because I'm so new to poly and a mono one would follow a different pattern that's ingrained in my psyche? Or am I just bad at being a secondary?

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