Gong Xi Fa Cai! I've been mostly offline for the last few weeks as I've been travelling - visiting family and hanging out with old friends and new friends. The time away is finally coming to a close; I'm heading back to work in two days. It's been great to have a serious amount of down-time, and I'm now looking forward to getting the business end of the year rolling.
Sugar and I took advantage of the holiday together to get all honeymoon-y. We needed it. Since he left for overseas mid-2011 I'd seen him a few times, but it was always when at least one of us had other things on the go (work commitments, etc) so it wasn't like clear days lounging around with each other. Also, the windows of time were so short that we'd just gotten used to the other person again when it was time to say goodbye. That's long-distance for you, eh!
It has also been cool to hang out with Gilby, one of S's best friends who was travelling with us over Christmas/New Years. G is a good mate of mine too, and we used to flat together a few years' back. I... kinda have a crush on him. But according to Glib, nothing can happen sexually between us as long as Sage is alive. Literally.
The first time he said that I was genuinely appalled. It seemed so twisted... but after a few conversations on the topic I understand (at least intellectually) what he means. From his perspective, he can't imagine being okay with one of his friends hooking up with his partner. And so he cannot really connect with Sage being okay with that too (although he is willing to accept that it is true)... therefore he can't go there himself.
But I find the attraction quite overwhelming at times. Like today, Glib and I had the day together as S had to fly out to head back to work. In the evening, the two of us (G & I) sat with a shisha for hours, talking, snacking, letting the smoke and conversation wind its way around us, and at times I felt so keenly in the same space as him that I just wanted to touch him, to go to bed and talk some more. I have to remember that it wouldn't be cool, that my advances would probably be frustrating (at worst), or at least off-key. It would be easier if he had said he wasn't attracted to me. However knowing that he would be up for it if
I wasn't with S is tough!
Just had to take some time out meditating so I wouldn't pounce on G. We're staying a couple of days extra in the hostel before we also head off. I decided it would be better to sleep in bunk beds tonight, so I'm sleeping on top of G (sadly in different beds) and we're both awake (me probably more than him) and... I dunno. I hope he's happy that I'm keeping my distance. I need to think of this as how I show love and respect to him.
It just means I have to trust that he meant it when he rejected my advances in the past... Part of me keeps wanting to question him again. Like, really? You still feel this way? Don't you want to twist our bodies together and see if it feels good? My instinct is to take opportunities to explore like this... I need reasons to hold back, and sometimes I feel like the levies are breaking.
A really fast way to cure a crush, I've found, is to act on it and find out it's not what you imagined. Hilariously bad kisses for example and poof! The crush is gone. Maybe there's a less awkward way, but I find this effective and worth it
I don't really mind the awkward too much, and it's a true win-win... You either lose the crush (a win in my books) or get sweet lovin...
Attraction can feel really intense, especially sexual attraction. It's sometimes helped to let feelings of sexual attraction ebb out into the broader notion of attraction to 'intimacy', i.e. recognising that, yeah, I may be horny for someone and up for sex, but more fundamentally what I'm up for is mutually-appealing intimacy. And there are many ways to be intimate, including giving someone space or spending time together doing things you both like.
It's hard, though... sex can be this debilitating drive (at least for me). I'm still working through these dynamics and I don't feel like I have those oysters full of wisdom pearls just yet. Hence I'm still awake... heh.
Hopefully will fall asleep soon, and the tomorrow make it through one more night of sharing a room with G without misbehaving in a bad way. Serenity prayers ahoy.
Just gotta think - two days and I'll see Carob. Wooh! I'm sure he'll know what to do with this tension I've built up *grin*