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Old 01-21-2012, 07:20 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Gee, how nice that your fiance is okay with your feelings... as if your feelings need to be approved by anyone else, grrr. Sorry, but I had to get that out, it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Anyway... so, you develop deeper feelings for an NSA sex partner, discuss it with your fiance, and he gives you the go-ahead to pursue the guy as a boyfriend. So, now you feel you need to do something about it - great!

However, you're pretty sure the guy won't want to invest in being a boyfriend because he'll eventually want a serious relationship moving toward marriage which you cannot offer. Yet, you don't want him as an equal partner anyway. Hmmm.

And, even though he's been sharing you with your fiance, he wouldn't share himself with you and a "serious" girlfriend, 'cause he "doesn't share." Oh, and besides that, he's "vanilla." Makes sense, I suppose (not really), but what does that say about his respect for you, I wonder. Something to consider. In addition, he's about to move in with you and your fiance as a roommate, which could complicate things, especially if he does start seeing someone while living there with the two of you.

I can understand your confusion, but you say you're in pain... why? Because, despite the fact that these feelings have been building, your fiance has now granted you permission to act on them but you don't know how this FWB feels about you.

I think the problem here is, now that you are clear on your feelings and your fiance is understanding and consents, you have the idea that you must act on these feelings and make a relationship out of it. Maybe not!

Maybe it is progress enough at this point that you have a deeper understanding of yourself, your emotions, and of your relationship with your fiance. Perhaps you would learn a great deal more about yourself by just being with this mix of emotions you have, and not do anything with them but feel them - for now. It is a big deal that you won't have to hide your feelings for this guy from your fiance, and that is something to appreciate.

Why not be patient, try not to rush into anything and just for a while (like, a few months at least), let yourself feel your attraction to him, the excitement of being around him, adjust to him being in your living space, etc. See how things go with having your sexual partner living with you both. That in itself is a major shift in your dynamic, so go slowly. Breathe, and try to get your feet back on the ground.

Eventually, you and your fiance will know if/when the time is right for you to bring up the possibility of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with this man, if that is something you still want. It might not be! And you will have a sense of how to do that, whether you tell him in private, you both sit down with him to talk, or it just evolves naturally from living together and continuing the involvement you already have.

Good luck with it all!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 01-21-2012 at 08:05 AM.
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