Thanks, beginninglove, nice thoughts. I am often surprised at when I do (and also when I don't) remember that when other people are behaving strangely, it's usually because they have unknown stuff that's triggered. Could be known stuff, even.
It's been many years, and she's very far away now (another state). I am still looking at whether I need to apologize, for me. And whether I apologize or not, I would not take up the friendship again. In spite of my judgment about the married-man thing, she is a person who could not reason out that rules get made for reasons. I don't want someone in my life who has to DO everything to find out if it's good or bad (hurtful or not). A person who can't imagine possible consequences is dangerous, to my mind. And there's plenty of trouble to be had among people who can imagine the consequences.
We were very close. She knew my stance and she knew my reasons. We had talked very in-depth about all of our lives long before she started with the first married man. And we talked about it again when she took up with him. I knew the couple, and in fact, his wife was pushing them together. I was quite able to live with that, because it wasn't my business and it was all above board. When she started with a man without telling the wife, it still wasn't my business, but it was a boundary for me. I never told her she was bad or wrong, I just made clear it was unsafe for me to continue participating with her.
I have one other friend I put out of my life (for completely different reasons) and I still miss both of them. It's been hard for me to learn to stand for myself in my life. It was so hard to ask people to leave who had been so close and so good to me. But I won't tolerate abuse, nor the obvious potential for abuse. If I can see it coming, you won't get a first chance. If I don't see it coming, you won't get a second chance. Stupidity, that's a whole different story...I seem to have too much patience for that.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein
Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)