Hello Bookbug...interesting story!
I think I can speak to this on a couple of levels.
I understand the compatibility issue since I work with the MBTI professionally and I could see how your connection with her husband might have scared her because on some level she realizes she and he will never connect in that way.
I can also relate to having a male soul mate that you connect deeply with, but for certain reasons, you can't be together......because I have one. We met about 10 years ago at a convention. We live about 1,000 miles apart, but we still see each other occasionally. About once a year we get together for a week or two and it's like no time has passed. During our time apart we don't even talk on the phone, e-mail or text.
If I were in your situation, I would turn the focus back on myself and my future. Who are you? What do you want? Where are you going? What are you going to create or pursue for yourself?.....and then I would make some decisions, choices and a few action plans.
Having multiple male partners is great! That's what polyamory is all about!!!
Also- if you had another male partner, your female friend (his wife) might not feel so threatened.
I also understand needing some time to get your bearings....good luck and keep us posted!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.