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Old 01-20-2012, 07:16 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
Good luck with studying and exams! I'm waiting to get my last exam results next week... Oh noes.
Good luck on that front, I will be rooting for you *cheers*

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Originally Posted by rory View Post
I wanted to comment on the alone time issue earlier, but I didn't have time, just now came to think of it again. How is it progressing with that?
Hm well, is there some progress I think so. For instance, the topic of the latest argument between Sward and I was alone time related. It was the birthday of my father-in-law, all of us knew that Sward and I would have to head off around 2 PM to make it on time. It wasn't a good day mood wise, for each of us. All less than chuffed with everything kind of. Sward got up from the sofa we all lied around on and told me: I will go to bed, sleeping for an hour before we have to go. And that was literally what hit home in my case. When Lin and I decided that we would like to cuddle a bit half an hour later and go to his room, Sward came back again, resulting in us meeting right at the door. Short silence, Lin proceeding to his room, me telling Sward that I will be gone for some minutes, asking when exactly he wanted to leave. He gets grumpy, I ask what's the matter, he says 'nothing, just go.'

Of course it wasn't 'nothing'. I misunderstood that he wanted me to join him when he left for the bedroom and now he was not pleased that Lin was able to get his need across in contrast to himself. I am no mind-reader (I gave you an unambiguous 'look'! How could you have missed that?! Yeah right a look... ). And he knows that I am not even a person you could regard as observant. Only on special occasions it's complicated But normally I am as sensible as an elephant (right, I know they are really sensitive and such, but that's a German proverb, don't know how to translate it right now, sorry to all the elephant lovers ) when I am not on the lookout for something. I am that kind of a person who sits in front of you, listening to a heartwarming story, you keep on pouring your heart out and feel vulnerable as hell, and I make honest but blunt comments on the issues I see, if I don't mind the outcome well enough in advance. A bull in a china shop at times And Sward knows that.

He would have loved to get his share of kindness and affection without having to ask for it and I failed to do so on my own. Lin on the other hand just told me 'Let's go.' and all was well. *sigh* It's really just that much, but we need to discuss those little things again sometimes.

Improvement 1: He spoke up immediately, though I had to worm it out of him, but he didn't thrust it aside.

Improvement 2: His reaction triggered my fear of 'is it OK to ask for alone time' and I immediately thought, 'oh no, he isn't comfortable with it after all.' Well, seems as if that is my problem mainly, his issue wasn't me being with Lin. It seems he even overheard us a considerable amount of the times we were intimate during the last weeks by chance and it really doesn't matter to him. (I still can't be comfortable with the thought, don't know how long that will take or if it ever changes.) Well his issue was that he wanted me to be more attentive to his needs but had unrealistic expectations in the process. Cleared that misunderstanding immediately and the conversation I reported in the last post ensued afterwards when we went to bed in the evening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
I'm a bit surprised that you managed to get by such a long time of living together without it becoming inevitable. I think that if I ever live in a poly-household, there will be designated alone-time for all 'couples' (as well as individuals). I do like to go with the flow, but alone time is such an important need for me in a relationship that it would be harmful to have too little of that. And it's mostly about non-sexual stuff.
Yeah, it is surprising that it didn't came up earlier. But we dived right into everyday life. Our 'alone time' consisted of unspectacular things like shopping, one of them and I for groceries, both of them to the do-it-yourself store, mixed setup when going to the studio and so on. Because of the different sleeping habits, I always have my alone time when it's my evening with Lin, we stay up way longer than Sward ever would and when it's Sward's evening, I tend to go to bed earlier with him, watching some series or talking. That is enough most of the time.

The other factor is that we love to do things together. They don't feel that the time they spent together with me isn't enough to keep them satisfied. It's mostly just fun for everyone. As we don't have much money to spend at the moment (the renovation will consume the extra money we got the next two months onwards) we cook in pairs (all three possible pairings in this case), go for a walk with the dog, or visit some friends (mostly Sward and I, Lin doesn't know that many people around here, yet).

And another supportive factor: They constantly look out for each other. When I am lying on the sofa, watching some TV (yeah, sometimes I actually watch some, but mostly I lie there to get some kind of massage ) and one is already there with me, the other will do something at his PC (mostly Lin) or leave for something he needs to do (mostly Sward's solution). Considering how often he himself has been with me during the last days, who mentioned missing something or however they communicate it; that is something I leave to them to manage. And it works. I got some cuddle time with one and the other joins us half an hour or an hour later.

If I need time for myself I go sit in front of my PC (I LOVE the little corner here, next to me is the door to the living room, when it is open it's like a small cave on my comfy chair <3 ), headphones on, reading, writing or playing something. That's all I need. I just love to have them around me and I mostly have 24/7. I have to say, going with the flow satisfies most of our needs.
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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