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Old 01-20-2012, 06:47 PM
amdada amdada is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
Default Getting through partner's NRE

Hello! This is my first post as a new member.

I have been in a poly relationship for four years now. We came from very different places; he has always identified as poly, and our relationship is the longest he's ever had. I used to identify as mono, but after much reflection and much hurt from past relationships where my partners and I didn't feel like we could be completely honest and open with one another, I decided to adopt a poly lifestyle. I have had several years-long mono relationships and I am accustomed to the dynamic; the first weeks to months of reveling in NRE, then falling into ORE, then losing steam altogether.

This relationship started out very mono-typical; we spent all of our free time together, and neither of us had other partners for about the first 5 or 6 months. We continued to spend gobs of time together for about the first two years. Then he moved 85 miles away for school, and now we see each other about two weekends a month, excluding holiday breaks. Since I was so accustomed to spending lots of time together, this transition was very hard for me. I found myself getting jealous of the time he spent with new partners, which has nothing to do with me or our relationship; I just missed being the person to fill that gap. I understand that he would spend a lot more time with me if we lived closer.

My partner has had many other partners over the last four years, none of them too serious but all of them good friends and good people that are still in and out of our lives. I have only had two other very short term partners (on my own), both of whom are still friends. I say "on my own" because we have shared several of his partners and I find great joy in experiencing his NRE with him. Sharing partners, or at least spending lots of time with them, helps me avoid the "she's prettier, smarter, better..." trap because I can put a real human, with all of her unique similarities and differences, in front of me and say, "there's no comparison; we are individuals."

Here is where I am getting stuck. The newest partner is different. In his words, she is the most compatible partner, both sexually and emotionally, that he has had since we have been together. They have seen each other every day, for the last month or so, spending just about every night together with the exception of a weekend when he was with me at my house and a couple nights at his house that I asked for. She is an amazing person. They have been seeing each other for about three months and have recently exchanged "I love yous." I don't want to control how much time they spend together, but at the same time, I wonder if they are getting too caught up in the NRE and setting themselves up for hurt later, when someone finds a new partner, or gets a time consuming job, or moves closer to me...etc. I have tried to talk to my partner about it but don't know how to approach the subject without sounding jealous. I also wonder if it even matters? I mean, I love this person and expect to be with him for a long time, despite us coming from very different places, and we also got caught up in the NRE...we got through the separation, and are doing fine. Additionally, the time they spend together has not taken any time away from me. We still have some alone time (albeit limited to a couple nights a month, but that was the pattern before she entered the picture) and we have time with the three of us together, which is wonderful.

I guess my question is, should I be concerned? Should I recommend that they slow down? And for what purpose? Am I just reacting to my emotions? I have not been the most emotionally stable person in this relationship in the past!

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