You do an amazing job love.
So T and I had plans tonight and I hurt so bad that I don't want to go out, so she offered to bring over a movie and watch it with me.
I wish I could just hold her while we watched a movie, it would make me so happy to be able to touch her for that long. I feel so much love for her and to have to hold back hurts so bad sometimes.
At the same time I don't want her to spend the night because that means she is spending time with, and having sex with, F and I want to be the one in F's position.
Im hopelessly in love and I hate myself for it sometimes. Especially since the feelings aren't exactly returned. If I felt that doing love spells was ethical, I would so totally do one on her.
I'm avoiding the word love, I don't want to scare her away again. I express that I care for her and that I still want us to be more, but not so often that it makes her uncomfortable. Its a fine tightrope to walk and I hope I don't fall. I have to be optimistic though, or I have to face that I'm setting myself up for heartbreak. The question is "is it worth it" and the answer is "yes" at least right now.
Its nice though to be stable, for three weeks now, and to be at least mostly comfortable with everything. I still have panic attacks but other than that I'm ok. No crying at night or being mad or feeling like I have to talk out everything. I'm stable and I haven't been in a while, so I feel really good about it. Not too good though. Thats the thing that sux about bi-polar, you can't be too happy for too long or you will go manic. Or at least I will.
I think everything would be easier if John was still here. I'd have someone to spend my time with and distract me from the fact that F is getting what I want and I would be able to be held when I was hurting because she can't give me what I want yet. I can't ask F for that, because he will just tell me to give her time and be patient. I'm not asking her for more, I'm just hurting that I can't. God I need to figure out something. How do I deal with this and still try to make things work with her. I feel that it is worth my time, but I'm not sure how long it will be worth my heart.
I miss John! I miss my best friends, and I miss having parties at the house every weekend. John has only been gone a week, not even a week, but it feels like months. That reference makes me feel like I have been waiting on T for months too, when I know I havent. And that I haven't seen certain people for months.
I should be happy with what I have. My life is good. I have two men that love me, well really three - since R does too. I have a chance with the girl I love and I have two beautiful children and a job that will soon make me plenty of money. I just need to throw myself into something, I need a distraction. Something that will take my mind and my energy.
Right now I can't even focus on my kids, because my mom has them. If I didn't have to work, I would, but she has no gas money to bring them home every day. And I have no money to give her for gas. Ive got to keep my job, I need the money and I need the outlet. Working from home would mean I got to keep the kids here, if they werent so young. I can't leave my son unattended for 4 hours at a time. My daughter, maybe, but not my son.