Awakeandready...As I've been reading back through all the posts, it strikes me that you seem to be the one taking the majority of the responsibility for making sure that everyone else in the relationships don't get their feelings hurt...or get their needs met....or are "protected" from negative events, etc., etc. While sensitivity to others is good....you are all adults...and each is responsible for getting needs met, protecting oneself, etc. It wore me out just reading about all your efforts! I didn't hear that anyone else involved put the kind of time, energy or thought into the relationship dynamics that you have. (I'm not saying they should....just maybe that you don't need to either.) I speak from personal experience as one who spent many years trying to make it all better for everyone....finally realizing after some personal growth work ...that I can't...nor is it my responsibility to do so when it comes to other adults.
The word is over-used...but I think there's a bit of "co-dependency" going on here on your behalf. Maybe part of the reason your husband's abusive behaviors are as infrequent as they have been is because you've gotten better at picking up the "cues" earlier on as to what might lead up to an abusive episode....and heading things off before they get to an abusive stage. It would not be unusual for someone growing up in an abusive situation to take on this type of "role" or behaviors. Please consider discussing this with your counselor.
I have worked professionally with domestic violence situations. When people with abusive behaviors would say "I'm sorry....I'm a shit"...etc. Our response was "Don't tell someone you're sorry. Tell them what you're going to do about it...and then show them!"
Last edited by dragonflysky; 01-19-2012 at 06:23 AM.