To me, polyamory is a way to open up. To open up my mind, my heart, my home, my self. This is something that I already do whole-heartedly in a multitude of ways in life; sharing myself in my career, community work and friendships. The things that make polyamory different for me is the fact that I share my core relationship, and my most intimate of emotional and physical expressions with more than just one person.
Walking down the road holding hands with both of my partners at the same time makes me feel FANTASTIC, and I like knowing that this causes confusion in other people. That it allows them to consider that there are other ways to approach relationships and love, and that it is a reality that one can choose and foster in their lives.
Polyamory. Love, multiplied.
This desire in me for multiple loves/partners has been with me since childhood. It's manifested in a lot of different ways over the years. My first experience with having two boyfriends at the same time was in gradeschool, and I am still friends with both of them, 28 years later; it was innocent enough, but it was well known. I took my first lover in highschool, and he continued to be an additional partner in my life for over a decade; his wife doesn't like our history and won’t allow him to see me, and I won't allow him to deceive her by allowing him to sneak and see me, so we're on a break, sadly maybe permanent. I've shared a partner with a long time gay male friend of mine, which deepened and enlivened our relationship in a way that I would never have anticipated; our lover died in an automobile accident 14 years ago, and we share a special understanding of this tragedy and loss in our continued friendship.
Curiosity combined with this amazing young woman that I met at driving school when I was 16 prompted me to see if there was a sexual connection there, but an awkward failed attempt at sex had me convinced that I wasn't into women. 15 years later, I found out that it was just an awkward failed attempt, and that I am MOST DEFINITELY into the ladies as well. I still wonder what my life would have been like if I had found THAT out earlier.
Despite the fact that I didn't think that I enjoyed sex with women, a trend started to show itself in my relationships of an MFF triad. There seemed to be something truly wonderful in this dynamic for me, and it started showing up with increasing regularity. At first, seeking out this intense joy and sense of completion happened unconsciously.
My first experience was between my first passionate love D, and my girlfriend A. D and I had a torrid relationship, fraught with drama and turmoil, and A was my best friend. We were punks, shaved heads, getting up to no good in general in our teen years. We started ending up in bed sleeping together after wild nights of partying and staying up too late for her to go home. This slowly morphed into us all making out, but it never went much further than that (you know, because I wasn't into girls). A couple of years later we all shared a house together in the city (she was dating D's brother at that time) and her and I had this strange and fun relationship of cuddly/bath sharing/hand holding friendship that continued for quite some time, all hanging out in cuddle puddles together. It wasn't sexual, exactly, but it definitely wasn't just friendship.
I had a few dynamics like this throughout my life, but the one that made me realize that I might want to actually shape a life for myself in a triad happened only a few years ago, in my late twenties. A good friend introduced me to her older sister K. Also a business owner, K was hyper-intelligent and interesting, a great conversationalist, and always up for creating a fun time out of nothing. She was also a lesbian with a long distance primary partner who she had been with for nine years. I had a fiancÚ, and a lover who lived on a nearby Island that I saw most weekends. K and I went on long walks together, out for dinners, back to her place for drinks, and soon we started sleeping in the same bed together. It started to become clear that we were essentially having a celibate relationship, and I started talking about her, and treating her like I was in partnership with her. I would hang out with my fiance and K, and my lover and K, and we all started becoming tight (my lover and fiance never hung out - my fiance was all about the DADT). When my relationship with my fiance started breaking down, it became a triad of my lover (J), K and I. We started hanging out all the time, sharing cooking, going out for dinner, having parties. We never shared a bed (K doesn't trust men) but we shared a whole life together. We even went shopping for real estate in a triad, and put three offers on different places together (none were accepted, it was a weird market). It was heaven. HEAVEN. As time passed, our lives and relationship drifted apart, but that dynamic woke me up to the curious possibilities that exist in adult life.
J and I were monogamous for a couple of years after that, during which time my curiosity about women started to manifest itself again. Close friendships with girls, holding hands, sharing beds - it just felt so natural in my life - and I started wondering if I had been wrong when I decided I wasn't into women. A smouldering friendship had started up between a young woman and I. We had been spending a lot of time together; intelligent, engaging and sweet, beautiful, she and I had been growing really close. We went on a wine tour together, and ended up drinking a bottle of wine and having a jacuzzi tub together, talking all night – the subject of how natural it would be make out came up a couple of times. I txted my husband jokingly asking his permission, and he replied with, "You can make out with her, as long as we can have a threesome later." I relayed this to her, and she shared the fact that she had engaged in threesomes with two married couples in the past. We didn't end up making out that night, but our conversations had sparked something inside of me.
I started thinking more about the idea of having a threesome. A lot more. I set up some on-line profiles on some sex search sites with my very titillated and willing husband, thinking that might be the right avenue. Lots of emailing, but nothing came out of it. C was over one night, and I told her what I was up to, "Well, if you want to have a threesome, I'll have a threesome with you." I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Over the next couple of weeks, the sexual tension was insane, and slowly unfolded into a session that last until 5 in the morning. I woke up, went and bought her a huge bouquet of flowers, and brought them to her house. Thus began a relationship that lasted for several months until we made the mistake of thinking that being good in bed/relationship together meant that we'd make great housemates too, and that was the beginning of the end for our triad. She got another partner, I was opening a second business, and by the next summer we went our separate ways. Even though it wasn't "forever" it certainly was the beginning of an awakening in my life that I hadn't anticipated, and there was no turning back.
Polyamory is a part of my body, my mind and my heart. My journey from there has been mind blowing; my relationship with my lover-now-husband J is richer than I could have ever imagined, my lovers have taught me SO much about myself, the places that I need to grow and showed me things about myself that I never knew.
My journey continues, and I look forward to sharing more of it with you here.