Originally Posted by sealace
1. Married poly man-amazing chemistry, lots of fun together. Problem: I fell madly in love with him. But regardless of my feelings and the amazing connection we have, and the great times together, when we are apart the messages I get from him are detached and non-emotional. I find it frustrating and strange that he can be so warm and close when we're together and then just totally detach when we're not. Men, can you give me some insights here? Or women, for that matter. The last straw for me was over the holidays when I only got two measly messages from him, both sort of generic. I'm not good at that type of relationship! So I wrote him a letter saying as much, and he responded by saying I should trust my instincts if it's still not working for me after we had a big talk a month ago, and that maybe we can at least be friends. So sad and frustrated with this.
I am coming out of a vee relationship (2 1/2 months gone now). Still very emotionally close to the male (sex is out of the picture indefinitely; possibly forever) and working on rebuilding a relationship with the female. (And they are working on their marriage, which proved to be not as solid as they'd believed.)
Anyway, as to this married male, his personality (an INTJ) is such that whatever he is doing at the moment garners his full attention. Since I am also an INTJ and he gets intellectual stimulation from me that he does not get from his wife, I readily admit that I do have his attention even when we are not physically present. That said, despite the fact the emotionally, I could probably be considered primary or co-primary, there are times when he's just not available to me. The thing of it is, is that when I do have his attention, he is there 100%; not anywhere else. Very focused.
So, I'm wondering if what you're describing with your married poly could fall under something like this ~ just his personality type. Totally into you when he's with you and totally into whatever has attention when he's not. While this type may not fulfill the needs you have, I suspect his behavior is no reflection on how much he values you.