Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
I'm not sure what there is to gain in you talking to her. She's not a reasonable person, so what fruitful outcome could there be?
I say that not to be cruel but only to say that I STILL think this same thing when it comes to your hubby's next talk with her, or the talk with all three of you, or any of it really. Neither you nor he have to engage with this any further and I truly don't see any positive outcome whatsoever from doing do. Opening yourself up to more emotional manipulation and lies (cuz that's what it is when a person says one thing to one person and something different to another, as in her conversation with you and then her texts to your husband that contradicted the impression she'd given you of where she's at) won't clarify anything or help anything that I can see. :/
Some other thoughts. I am normally very against the idea of the veto power, i.e. one partner unilaterally calling off one of their partner's other relationships. What you did when you ended the vee could be seen as that. However, and this is a subtle but crucial difference, what you did was state your extremely reasonable and sane boundary -- if you stay involved with this crazy woman who is trying to destroy our relationship I will be forced to leave -- and so I applaud your action there. Hell, even if you had straight up veto'ed her I'd still be in favor of it in this instance, because I think an exception can be made when you are legitimately trying to protect your partner's sanity and emotional health against an abuser.
Same goes with the "permission" thing now, which an earlier poster brought up. You're not saying "I'm in control of your actions and you may not do this" you're saying "If you do this I won't be able to stay", setting boundaries for your own health. It's not control, it's self-preservation and sanity.
Ask him what he hopes to gain from this next conversation. Then look together at her past patterns and see if there's any reasonable expectation that such an outcome will occur. Ask if it's worth the danger of getting sucked further in. Ask what would be lost in just letting her go and cutting off contact. Ask if there's any chance that would actually help her more than continuing to enable and encourage what she's doing right now.
It can be hard to believe that the most loving thing to do for someone could be to step away. The ego wants to believe that our presence could only possibly help, not hurt, because we are so great. But it's just not true in all situations.