View Single Post
Old 01-18-2012, 09:03 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 825

#1 I see a poly & married guy once a week more or less. Our time together is great, fun and pretty awesome overall, and I feel like I for the most part have his full attention when we are together. The only time we really talk between dates is an email if there's a question about where/what time our next date is. He usually replies via email on his phone, so his messages are generally short. Even when I send a novel of an email, his replies are short. When I am not in a good mood I can feel hurt because I read indifference or other crap into it. When I re-read them in a better mood I realize he's just responding briefly and succinctly. Just because I like to talk and ramble doesn't mean he has to. He is just how he is and it isn't personal, over time I have gotten used to it, stopped "expecting" or wishing for more, and started enjoying what actually is.

edit: Just wanted to add, because you say #1 is focused on you when you are together, you might imagine when he's elsewhere (don't know if he has other partners besides his wife) with other partners, he is focusing on them that way too. Just imagine if when he was with you he was busy responding to emails or on the phone to chat with other people.

So my "ideal" relationships include lots of chatting, frequent hi's, random texts or what not that aren't always initiated by me. But I have found it very rewarding to learn to enjoy relationships that aren't dependent on that. I think it helps me deal with actual life better. Also, when I keep this mindset, it is easy for me to be aware that this relationship IS ideal, because it brings me a lot of joy and the opportunity to grow out of my comfort zone. I used to ask for more frequent communication, but it did not happen, and trying to force it wouldn't be any good for anybody.

If you think you can't be happy with #1 , I'd say to ask yourself if it's because of healthy reasons, or perhaps a dysfunctional relationship with your ego, where you will go through life unhappy if people aren't how you want them to be. It turns out that there is always some way people wont be like you want them to be. I'm pretty sure it works in reverse too My plug of the day goes to "If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path" by Charlotte Kasl. It is my go to book when I get into the negative mindset that keeps me from enjoying what is, and wishing for what isn't, aka it alleviates any frustration that other people are just different than I am.

However, if you just decide you require a more communicative partner, I'd say work on discussing that upfront and not letting a relationship get too far unless they are providing you with the frequency of communication you desire. Just remember that because somebody doesn't want to talk as much as you do does not mean they are not as invested. Frank talks about what is happening between you two would be more useful in determining that.

(on a side note RE:#2, I would probably end the romantic aspect now, because I prefer staving off heartbreak if possible, especially if it seems like you both know what you want, it is a bit cruel to torture yourselves.)
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 01-18-2012 at 06:44 PM.
Reply With Quote