Okay, I feel the need to give my spouse a SLIGHT defense. The sleeping with her without talking to me, in my humble opinion, WAS a violation of trust, but not on a level it might be with many relationships. When he told me, I didn't get upset or start crying. I did respond with some anger-- an "excuse me, where did you get the impression from our poly discussions that this was okay?" reaction. Honestly, I kind of expected he might end up sleeping with someone that month. Never did I give him permission and he certainly never had the impression that I would approve (he was terrified when he told me), but I was still kind of prepared for it.
For context, I love him with all my heart, but he's definitely a "dreamer" and I think got caught up in the fantasy of it all. He was on a post-depression soul-searching trip of sorts, driving up and down the coast, visiting old friends, visting temples and obscure coast-lines, etc. The girl in question he met up with again (earlier high school friendship) in San Francisco... and she's quite the dreamer as well. She's been living in a yoga center for years and felt this really "psychic" energy between them, so she asked to go on to the next few city stop with him and then take the train back. It just "felt right" like "where they needed to be." (insert my rolling of eyes here)
I guess my point is that I TOTALLY agree that the cheating was NOT okay and really, really, really stupid. But what was REALLY stupid was for me to get caught up in this and actually AGREE to try a relationship with someone he slept with ahead of time... Sigh. I guess as someone who lives in a world of books and stories and logic (i.e. me) the whole "light and life" aspect of their interaction (and the promise that we would all feel that together- koombaya m'lord) was very appealing for me.
So, yeah. He's a dumbass for getting caught up and cheating. I'm a dumbass for agreeing to begin/be involved in this relationship and getting caught up in a similar feeling. She's a dumbass for thinking that this relationship would be at all positive if she had such stong, singular feelings for him. Excuse me while I go buy three duncecaps...
Vinccenzo, as for the "friend support," I don't know. Honestly, I'm far more hurt and angry with her than I ever was or am with him. I have found her far more directly manipulative and I have a LOT of resentment over interactions which were just between her and I. (I have two lovely memories of her screaming at me hysterically and with a lot of in-the-moment hatred...) What YOU mention is what my spouse wants. I'll have a clearer picture if that's even remotely possible after coffee today. If she's more open to what I have to say than to what my guy has said, then maybe. I have my doubts, though, and I think she may just hate me more for being clear in my "no way, Jose" line on her getting back together more officially with my spouse.
*facepalm* Thanks again, all. I have the Ted book on my to-do list and a lot to think over.
Last edited by ForestFloor; 01-17-2012 at 10:34 PM.