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Old 01-17-2012, 07:58 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Some thoughts on your situation:

Originally Posted by ForestFloor View Post
[...]However, she is awfully clingy to him and he can only do so much. [...] he has been trying, in his view, to set boundaries with her and make the nature of the new (friendship/support, not romantic) relationship clear to her and also make it clear(er) that a new romantic relationship is unlikely at best, but she doesn't want to hear it and says she needs the hope to stay stable.

I do think he's got a bit too much white knight in him and may be being manipulated, though. Consciously on her part or not.
Originally Posted by ForestFloor View Post
[...] she moved to our city to be closer to us/for this relationship and he promised to support her before she did, so he feels responsibility and like he can't be that much of an asshole to completely drop her as a friend.
She is showing some codependency issues all over the place. First thing for her to do seems to get a grip on her life. She will be the source for problems as long as she isn't able to support herself, constantly relying on others to manage her life for her.

You have done the only right thing in my point of view. As long as she hasn't proven that she is able to respect your marriage, acknowledges you as a solid part of his life and your feelings for each other, I wouldn't tolerate her in my direct surroundings as well. No one needs a cowgirl in a poly relationship structure.

And I would start to address my partner with some basic wishes as well. He entered into this relationship the worst possible way. Being cheated on takes time to heal. It's valid that he wants all his loves to feel 'happy', but he has to commit to your feelings as well. He has to see that the behaviour of this woman will not change when he starts to solve her problems for her, she has to do this herself for the process to be long-lasting. And there is obviously still some untreated damage from the start of things and the latest episode between the three of you. He should start by fixing those, not creating new problems in an already established way by inviting her back into your lifes.

Originally Posted by ForestFloor View Post
I think the chaos of the months we were all in a V just freaked me the f*** out.

I agree that somethings can't or shouldn't be fixed... but if 2 of the 3 people want it to be, what kind of wicked witch of the west does that make me, you know?
This isn't a matter of democracy ... Poly relationships don't function properly if one is unhappy, just like mono relationships don't work when one partner isn't stable and satisfied with it. That's not how you will be able to pull it off. You don't have to lock her out of your or better his life completely, but set some clear boundaries about what you are comfortable with and what not. And make sure that they understand that you need time to stomach all that went wrong during your last mutual attempt. They should need the time as well to sort it out.

Good luck.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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