Bad panic attack last night. Very bad.
Triggered because I felt like they went behind my back to see each other.
See, I asked T to hangout and she said she had plans, so I went out with a friend, then F sends me a txt telling me he is bringing T home.
All I can do now is trust them, but I do want a timeline of events last night, which I will likely not get. Dont want to push for anything.
Im trying to remember my therapy. Just because I think something doesnt make it true, I cant control others actions, only my response to them.
Its so hard to be calm, like I don't care about things that hurt me, like seeing her, even her hugging me, simple gestures she thinks are being nice and good and they just hurt. I know Im being unreasonable, I mean there is nothing she can do that would make me happy other than be with me again and that is not going to happen.
Maybe I just need to try, ask her, in a way that makes it easy for her, basically ask permission to flirt back, to kiss her when I feel the urge.
Or just start flirting with her. Not that I really remember how to do that. Flirting with a girl is a little different in some aspects.
Well what do you know, a short talk and we are kissing friends... not lovers, no sex, none of that stuff, just flirting and kissing, breaking down walls that we've both put up. Slowly, a little at a time. I can do this, Im not sure how, but I can. I broke down one wall, its her turn now.
Im anxious about the whole thing but I didn't realize how I was pushing her away by closing myself off to her flirting and such. So this new arrangement is a start... maybe it will finally lead to what I really want
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband
M - John's girlfriend