Idealist, we are in our forties, and my lover has used both Cialis and Levitra. In fact, I don't think we have ever managed to have even ten seconds of sexual intercourse without the Cialis (Levitra doesn't work for him at all), and even with it, he always loses his erection. Those pills are not a miracle cure, sadly. If they were, I would have a much easier and more functional sex life with my husband too.
I have given my issue and the comments here much thought the last couple of days. I realized that I do not want my lover to break an agreement with his wife. Although he has raised the possibility of doing so in the distant future, I believe he was just trying to pacify me, I don't believe he would ever actually do it. He is not that sort of person, and I am not the sort of person who would enable him to do so. I do think he is going to continue trying to renegotiate their current agreement, and I think that is fine, since I believe that their current agreement, if my STD tests continue to be clean and nothing else changes, is unreasonable.
I also realized that perhaps we should just take intercourse off the table for now. I know it is not good for me, emotionally, to have this level of frustration in both my relationships. I am going to ask my lover if we can shelve trying to have intercourse the next time we see each other, and just concentrate on pleasing each other in other ways. Even just snuggling him is always worth it to me.
I hope that my lover's wife will put six years of jealous and insecurity behind her and reach a point where she wants her husband to be happy and fulfilled in all his relationships. I know she isn't nearly there yet. I would like to spend more in-person time with her and hopefully improve this situation. So far, she has not been particularly receptive to this. He always offers to bring her when he and I meet somewhere and thus far, she has refused. She actually threatened to leave town when I recently visited their area because she thought she couldn't "handle" meeting me, but was persuaded to stay at the last minute. We are trying to plan a family vacation this summer with both families (our kids are comparable in ages and also have a lot in common), and my lover is currently saying that she might be receptive to doing this for a few days. I hope that it happens.