Thanks for post!
I've realized that I want him to tell me he feels like I'm his partner. I want him to be as fiercely in love with me as I am courageously in love with him.
Friends who don't know him think I'm being used for sex. People that know him think that he's just testing how I feel about him.
We chose not to use the label of dating a year ago. I told him that I'd dated a girl and a boy before him, but it fell apart because of their jealousy. He argued that dating is defined by monogamy. And that if I didn't want that then I didn't want to date.
It was a mutual decision that I move in with him, and he's asked me if I want to date him exclusively. But I always reply that I have no problem with dating him, but I couldn't promise that I'd never develop feelings for someone else- though it would unlikely affect my relationship with him. (That's pretty reasonable).
So he said that I'd move in as a roomy, just like his futon crasher best friend.
Though early in the relationship he had told me that I was "THE ONE" (which I laughed at because he doesn't seem the type to believe in that)
So clearly this man was sending mixed signals. Everything was peachy, and he brought up questions like "What does commitment mean to you?" and joke about impregnating me. And so I thought this meant he took me seriously. At one point he told me he chased off a horny striper by telling her he was in an open relationship.
I went home and with my friends and toasted to being in an open relationship with him.
I admitted to feeling jealous about a one night stand he had with a stripper (who he doesn't like as a person). But I told him I was resolved to work on my possessiveness, but I'd need reassurance. He told me I was judging his sexuality, and that he loved me. However the commitment/relationship subject died, and he never brought it up again. He's not using the word polyamory. He uses the word friend like it's the highest compliment. And I alternate between thinking that's awesome, and wishing I could explain how it feels like more.
Before mentioning that he would be monogamous with a girl if she left her bf for him, he laughingly told me he didn't believe in "the one" anymore because I'd hurt his feelings a year ago.
I feel like he dumped my ass before going to Indonesia without me, but he's done all of this with subtle allusions to a relationship he very clearly have, call it what you want.
When he gets back in a week, I'm going to give him some time to acclimate and then bring up the subject. I want to create a safe space of honesty and tell him how his hypothetical actions would make me feel. and express that I feel like we're in an open relationship. If he tells me that's not how he sees it and not what he wants then I should go home and tackle the ensuing heartbreak. But maybe that's being melodramatic?
My problem is that I have no concrete demands. I don't want monogamy or even a label. But equality and respect would be a good start. I want to be regarded as his partner by him, I don't care what he tells other people. Because otherwise I feel like I'm deeply in love with my best friend.
I hope, anyway, that he and I come before his relationships with other women (particularly monogamous ones). If he was actually surprised to hear that I feel this way, or if he does not share my feelings, I'm in line to get stomped on.
If I'm really brave I can love just as much regardless of being stomped on. And that's what I've told him. But I'm not sure I should stick around and fall even more in love with him in the meantime.
I don't want to be the Bob in your scenario.