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Old 01-16-2012, 05:46 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
I guess I felt compelled to put in a word for being vanilla. The premise of the thread, even the OP's boyfriend's reported interest in learning to be more . . . aggressive? is that there's something wrong with preferring to be gentle.
Hey, I'm a vanilla, too! I just like my vanilla with some sprinkles every now and then.

No one said there is anything wrong with being gentle per se. The discussion is centered on the fact that it isn't satisfying to the OP for her lover to be so gentle all the time, every time, and for him to never take the lead. Clearly, this is a matter of personal preference that the OP and her lover struggle with. They both want to mix it up. Certainly no one here was declaring that all gentle lovers should eschew their mild-mannered ways and become animals.

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic View Post
That I have such a preference makes me, in your words, "boring." That I stand by those preferences, and tie some of them to matters of principle (i.e., no coercion, not even make-believe coercion, not ever) makes me "closed-minded."

I reject any such judgment, just as you would no doubt reject the judgment that there is something wrong with not being gentle.
I did not say non-kinky sex is boring nor that it's boring to be gentle. I think it's boring to always do the same thing all the time sexually and never try anything new. I don't like always knowing what to expect when I get in bed with a lover. For example, I love trying new positions. If a lover was going to stonewall any suggestions I made for a different position without even trying it, that would bother me. The absolute refusal to experiment and expand one's sexual knowledge is what I consider close-minded, but that doesn't mean I would expect anyone, including myself, to try things that would erode self-esteem or go against what is important to their sense of self, etc. Experimenting and expanding could be something as simple as making love with the lights on, if that is something new for somebody. Keep in mind that one person's rough could be another person's gentle, and that "unleashing the inner animal" doesn't necessarily mean inflicting pain.

Being a little uncomfortable with something is okay, because learning something new can sometimes feel uncomfortable. But it's not worth it if it feels degrading (if degradation is not their thing), like it compromises one's integrity, or if it's just plain repulsive to someone, just for the sake of trying it out! It's a good thing to learn how to please a partner, but not at one's own expense.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-16-2012 at 07:15 AM.
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