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Old 01-16-2012, 03:46 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,702

Originally Posted by newguy View Post
1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try?

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?
1. Yes, anyone can surpress their feelings and desires, but it isn't healthy. People in marriages do it all the time and end up depressed, not looking after themselves, becoming bitter and resentful, doing things that they think will make them happy but add more burden (having kids to save their marriage).. only to find that they have lost track of what the real issues were to begin with. Forgetting that they once had an idea about what might of been the right path and that they choose not to go down it.

2. You can ask her to deny herself, sure. What she decides to do is up to her. Mono asked me not to have sex with anyone but the partners I already have. Well all but one that I had not had sex with before. Its been three years and I have stuck to that agreement. There have been times I have been resentful and times I am ready to push the issue. I have chosen that though. He suffers because of that and so do I. Really, we have gotten used to being uncomfortable with the the compromises we make. We have boundaries that work great but our compromises comprise of issues that I don't know if we would ever get through... I have (until yesterday) four partners though so I am covered. I don't need more and I have done my casual/sport sex bit and don't want that right now... so I am good for now.

3. Sure, get married, but know that you likely will either reach a point where you are both miserable and a change will occur by way of divorce or you changing your mind and can negotiate some kind of boundaries and challenge yourself on this. I would think VERY carefully on bringing kids into your relationship though.
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