Yes, I know dear. And now that you are gone again, my life somehow gets more complicated.
Annabel - She lives with her mom, and her mom knows Im his gf, but not that she is too. Not that her mom would be ok with him spending the night even if she did know they were together.
Im getting better about everything, though its still hard for me sometimes. I love her, and to see him get time with her when I want it is the worst feeling. Somehow I'm ok with R having another girl now, but T being with F, or rather F being with T (no one seems to get the distinction) hurts.
T and F got into a fight last night, so he spent a long time on the phone with her when I asked for this weekend to be just F and me, somehow T was in the picture, with us or on the phone, both Friday and Sat night. And I asked T to hang out tonight and she said she had plans, if those plans are coming over here I think I will be hurt, she could come a little early and spend a little time with me. Im hoping that she has plans with another friend.
F told me T is feeling vulnerable, well I've felt that way for weeks, and I know he doesnt even know that because I feel like I cant say anything because he might leave me - he says I push too much and that is the consensus. I dont even realize it unless I step back, so I'm only asking how he feels about us once a week and currently, its "Im just seeing how things go". Until he can say "I want to be with you" I will feel restricted and vulnerable and even a little alone. But I dont know how to talk about it without pushing him away, I feel like Im in fake it til you make it mode. He makes me happy, so I really dont want to loose him, but when left to my own devices, I think that he doesnt want to be with me.
I need a boy-toy, a distraction. Someone who knows that they are just a distraction. I thought about going back to R but everyone thinks that is a bad idea, and I know it is. I started talking to this one guy, who would be perfect because he wouldn't want a relationship, just sex. But I think he is pursuing a real relationship. Grr.
and I'm missing John like crazy, which doesnt help at all. I know I'll get use to him being gone again in time, like I always do, but right now, his absence is felt quite keenly.
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband
M - John's girlfriend