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Old 01-15-2012, 08:13 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,245

Well first of all, "just dating" ends when you start cohabiting in a conjugal relationship. That's usually called "being partners." I can't recall ever hearing of "friends with benefits" who shared the same bed every night.

My impression of this is that you're being used for sex. Talk about getting the milk for free. That sounds like a super shitty deal for you.

I guess my questions are:
  • Why have you chosen not to use the label of dating / being in a relationship?
  • Was this a mutual decision or did you feel pressured into agreeing to it in order to be close to him?
  • Is he calling this "polyamory?"

Because to me, polyamory implies the people involved are in an official romantic relationship, usually with terms like boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/partner/spouse being deployed to describe the other persons involved.

I guess the basic difference between being single and being polyamorous is that there's another person involved who has their own feelings.

Maybe the best way to explain it is by hypothetical examples.

John and Mary are in a polyamorous relationship. Mary meets Fred and angels sing. They decide to be in an official relationship. When she starts spending 6/7 nights a week with Fred, John speaks up that he's feeling neglected. Mary realizes she's caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy, that excited feeling you get about a new partner) and that she's treating John unfairly. So Mary scales it back a little bit with Fred in order to treat John with love and respect. After a few months and the NRE wears off, Mary achieves healthy balance between the two relationships.

Sandy is single. Sandy meets Derek and angels sing. They decide to be in an official relationship. When she starts spending 6/7 nights a week with Derek, Fifi (Sandy's cat) gets irritated that her cozy spot in bed is taken, and pees in Derek's shoes.

Bob and Jane are room mates. They have an agreement that when both of them are single, they can sleep together to get their jollies without exposing themselves to the risks of casual sex with strangers. Jane meets Chris and angels sing. They decide to be in an official relationship. When she starts spending 6/7 nights a week at Chris's place, Bob starts to masturbate in the living room so he can watch porn on the big screen.

Now where does that leave you?

Raven and Crow are in love and living together, but have decided not to call it a romantic relationship. Crow meets Magpie and angels sing. They decide to be in an official relationship. Magpie can't deal with Crow sharing a bed with another woman, so Crow tells Raven to move out. Raven is all like "WTF THIS SUCKS."

The way I describe the fundamental difference between "in love" and "love" is merely a question of current state. I have ex-partners whom I will always "love" on some level, but with whom I am no longer "in love." I usually believe that "in love" needs to be reciprocated. In other words, two people are "in love" with each other, and each one "loves" the other. I think of "in love" as meaning they are in a loving relationship together.

So if you love him and he loves you and there's sexual attraction, then I would think of that as "in love" personally.

I agree that it sounds like you're being used as a placeholder. If he wants to be with someone that can make him babies, and you don't want to make him babies, I don't see this as working out well for you.

While I like to believe that age is irrelevant, I'm starting to find that there are certain specific age ranges where long term goals and life plans become very relevant to current relationships. One of those seems to be 30's with early 20's. Teenagers are clueless, they barely know their name never mind what they want out of life. As you come out of adolescence and enter your early 20's, you start exploring "grown-up stuff" and thinking more and more about what you want your life to look like. The 20's are such a formative decade for what your adult life will be like. So much can change between 22 and 30. I'm turning 30 in two months, and I would never dare to say I'm done growing or that I have my life planned out. But I definitely have a way better sense of myself and what I'm like as a person than I did 8 years ago, despite the fact that I was convinced at 22 that I had it all figured out. You know nothing, Jon Snow.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-15-2012 at 08:30 AM.
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