Originally Posted by Tinyblu
He's everything a typical mono person would want, I guess (attentive, sweet, affectionate, etc.), but I'm finding it hard to stay focused with him, especially after our first sexual episode.
So here comes my selfish part. He's great "relationship" material, and I really like his loyalty, etc., but I already know that if the sex isn't good, I am going to lose interest very quickly. I even found myself missing the jerk while having sex with this new guy (he was AMAZING in bed).
First, I'm not sure what's so different from what a "typical mono person would want" and what any person would want in a healthy relationship. I'm not mono, and those all sound like the kinds of traits I seek and admire in a partner.
My overall impression is that you're just not that into him. I've been there. I've dated guys who were "perfect boyfriend material" but they just didn't do it for me. I tried to stay with them, hoping that my feelings would grow, but they just didn't. If that's the case, there's no hope. He's not a mini-van, he's a human being with real emotions. Keeping him around when you're not into him is nothing short of cruel.
There are SO many things a couple can do to spice things up in the bedroom. What really matters is, do you have passion in your relationship?
Passion is either there or it isn't. While you can rekindle it once it's lost, you can't create it out of nothing. However, if the make-out sessions are really exciting for you and it's only the coitus that leaves you wanting, then there are lots of things that can be done to spice things up.
How can I put this? His "equipment" size leaves a LOT to be desired, and he's quick draw McGraw. Seriously... 15 minutes tops. It's SOOOOO frustrating!
The average duration of coitus is 10 minutes, and most couples report 7-13 as adequate. (this
) You may have unrealistic expectations. You might even have a big floppy vagina, and it's not that he's too small but that you're too big...
Look. Sex is a skill. It can be learned. I think you would be much happier if you could help this relationship satisfy all your needs than you would be if you had to get it somewhere else. I'm sure he would definitely prefer that, too.
Two ways to deal with the longevity issue:
- they make special lube for exactly this purpose. It reduces sensitivity. Put it on the inside of the condom.
- look into tantric sex, where you deliberately delay orgasm, even avoid it all together. That way you can present it as "here's something I heard about, do you want to try it?" rather than "you suck at sex."
- there's an old trick I learned in high school (you know, when all the guys were lucky to last 5 minutes when faced with a REAL VAGINA)... get him to climax as part of the foreplay, and then have him focus on playing with you until he gets hard again (about 15-20 minutes). When he's ready to go, he'll almost surely last longer than usual. And because you'll have just spent 20 minutes being manually stimulated, you'll also be ready to pop, so the brevity won't bother you so much.
Onto the problem of size:
- introduce toys to the bedroom. Tell him that vibrators really turn you on and that it would be really exciting to incorporate them into your sex life.
- Make sure your expectations are realistic. Is he really small, or have your previous partners been especially large?
My personal belief is that poly takes the pressure of trying to be someone's everything and get what you need from multiple people. In my perfect world, I would want to keep "nice guy" as my BF and then have the freedom to be sexually pleased by someone else?
I acknowledge that this is your personal belief. I personally think it's bogus and unfeasible.
From what I've observed, poly works best when each relationship could stand on its own as a monogamous relationship. I can't imagine any way for this to work out where he won't feel used and taken for granted, and with every right.
If it sounds hard and scary to broach the subject of improving your sex life, think about how much worse it would sound if you simply said "You suck at sex. I want someone else for that." It doesn't matter if you use those actual words or sugar coat it somehow. There's no way to say you want someone else to satisfy your sexual needs without destroying his ego.