I so hear you on those thoughts ... they crossed my mind often. There has been a discussion on when a relationship has to be regarded as 'successful'. Lasting for a lifetime? Mainly satisfying the needs of all involved for the time it lasted? I am more prone to go with the latter. As long as I get the feeling that my relationship(s) work according to that model, I will feel save to say: All is fine, that's how it works for us and it works great.
In mono/poly or what relationship model ever, each person is responsible to look after the 'needs-met-bit' on their own first. I (finally
) trust in my partners to be able to do this for themselves. If they say that this is the case and everyone is happy, I won't accept the 'there is no comfortable place in mono/poly relationships' statement, because it seems so patronizing. For this to be true, one relationship model has to be inferior to the other, not able to make the person living it truly comfortable.
Each time I worried about Sward and Lin not being happy with the situation, I did something unfair to them. I realized that not right away, but Lin told me once: "Can't I be happy with the love I feel for you? It's all I need and enough for me to be content. I am not 'putting up' with something any more. Things are how they are and being with you makes me happy. That's all there is to it. What do I care if there is another? As far as I am concerned, I live a 'mono' relationship with you. You being poly doesn't change the way I feel and as things are at the moment, I am able to live that love." Why should I regard his relationship approach (being solely in love with me) as inferior to my own (being in love with both of them)?
The mono-exclusivity-part isn't love driven, it's ego driven. It feeds on our insecurities and all that can be found on our personal vanity fair. That's the thing that makes transitioning from mono-exclusivity to poly-freedom so hard (just a specific alignment of the words, no general statement intended for mono/poly in general). At least that's what we found to be true for us. And as I said, that's all I can talk about
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.