Wait until NRE has passed before making life altering decisions.
My heart goes out to you; it sounds like a tough place to be. There's some solid responses here!
The beauty of having two relationships can be that it takes the pressure off one person to provide everything for you. For me personally, it's akin to my circle of friends; they all bring something different to the table, and bring out different parts of me - together, all of our relationships seem to have a way of bringing everything that I need.
NRE is both a blessing and a curse, in my experience. It's so much fun to fall in love, to see all of the good in another human being, and to bond with them. It's also a totally impractical basis for a future - it makes us FEEL like the future possibilities are endless, but just as NYCyndie said, the reality of each relationship is very different than NRE makes us feel that it might be.
I would ask yourself some questions to get clear about where you are at emotionally. Ask yourself how comparing the differences between the two men is serving you, your relationship with #1 and your relationship #2. Is it helping or hurting? Do you need to ask this question right now? Do you need to compare them as human beings, or can you enjoy them each for what they bring to your life without resenting either of them for not being each other? Is it possible for #1 to provide you with MORE of what you want without feeling like he can't be himself? Have you let 18 months pass yet (typically the max out of NRE, often sooner though)? Are you investing enough time and energy into #1? Are you bringing YOUR best to #1? Are you putting a sense of urgency on yourself/a need to make a decision? Are you creating an us/them scenario with NRE? How would you feel if the situation was reversed, and your husband was feeling the same way? What would you say to him to help him through it, and still protect your relationship with him?
I find it helpful to ask myself a TON of questions, and to avoid my own emotional pitfalls or tendencies to run in the direction of whatever feels best right now..... Getting clear within myself WITHOUT the pressure to make a decision helps me understand myself better, and that's the biggest gift of poly to me!
I love to love the lovers, who love to love the love.
Last edited by ChloeJane; 01-14-2012 at 11:42 PM.
Reason: added the word not