View Single Post
Old 01-14-2012, 11:14 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

Sometimes I come across a concept which may not be relevant to me in any concrete way, but which I still want to analyse a bit and think about how it relates to my life. It is not rare to read an opinion stating how difficult mono/poly relationships are generally. Sometimes even that people can never find a comfortable place in a mono/poly relationship.

I have a hard time with generalisations. To generalise, generalisations never are true for everybody... And perhaps I see them as problematic, and maybe I am often an outlier among outliers, so that I often have an experience that doesn't fit the generalisation, even if it is one that I see as having some truth in it. For example, the mono/poly thing. I am pretty sure there can be additional challenges to that dynamic. I also do see that many people have much more trouble with transitioning to poly than I've had with Alec. And I can understand that well. I totally sympathise with those who have (had) a hard time with it.

So, I believe that it may well be true that in general mono/poly relationships are challenging. But the other statement, that people can't be satisfied in a mono/poly relationship... I do take issue with it. The claim that one party inevitably crosses their own boundaries in compromising. I feel that I am getting my needs met (and almost all I want, too), and I am completely satisfied. And from what he has communicated to me, and from what I see in him, Alec is getting his needs met (and much of what he wants), and is very satisfied. Now, as with everything else in life, things can change, so that satisfaction may not last forever, and we may need to change things. I'm not making any declarations about how things are and will be now and in the future. But I feel safe to say that so far, mono/poly dynamic has been no hindrance to our happy life together. I don't know, if I should counter with a opposing viewpoint then, when I read a generalising statement. On one hand, it feels like it may give too pessimistic a view to a couple new to poly when they are slammed with a statistical "fact" that mono/poly is unlikely to succeed. On the other, it feels like offering my own experience as an example of how mono/poly can work well is somehow...something. Puts pressure on me that in order to make that kind of statement I, and my relationships, would need to be "perfect" and follow all the "true poly rules" (not that I subscribe to that kind of thing in other contexts) and perhaps I should wait for some abstract time when I've been poly longer... So, I don't do it, but I come here in my own safe journal to ramble about it instead.
Reply With Quote