No problem. I'm trying to be as open as possible.
Originally, I was just going to be the "hotwife," and then I felt bad, because I know how much he loves me to "allow" that.
But now..I have considered not seeing anyone else, because I don't know if I can handle him seeing someone else. He knows that, and that's why he hesitates. It's a dance of sorts now, between him not wanting me to give him "permission," just because of the threat of him doing it in secrecy - and giving him permission because I love him and trust him. Something like that. I WANT to be secure, and "good, giving, and game."
It really is difficult when one is not only doing ONE thing that goes against one's upbringing, but doing and considering doing even more complicates things further.
I don't push for my divorce because then I would have an excuse to really become involved with someone else, if I so desired. Someday, I will do just that, though. Does that make sense?
But...right now, I'm trying to navigate new feelings of jealousy - unfair as they are. I already overcame the feelings of jealousy for his wife - and oddly or not, he has feelings of jealousy if my husband is around, but not anyone else. Because of the history, no doubt.