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Old 01-14-2012, 04:59 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
but feel you can accept the fact that she has desires for such a relationship as long as she can refrain from acting on them without being unfulfilled.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
I don't want her to not be able to acheive complete happiness
Thus my caveat above, bolded. But we may be splitting hairs, I think I've got the story down. AND, it sounds like you guys have got your minds made up and I'm all in favor of it. We've had sad stories here from unhappy wives struggling with their desire for poly, but in the cases I can recall the husband didn't know about it from the start and felt betrayed, or considered it morally wrong and thus looked down on his wife, or there were other serious communication problems, etc. I don't know that we have have any reason to believe that a marriage like this can't work if everyone goes into it with open eyes and mutual acceptance.

Then again, clearly in some cases this issue does force people apart -- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19985

But even though that's a possibility, I don't think it means you shouldn't try. Everyone is different and what one person can't live with, another one can. And it sounds like you guys are enough in love that you'll always wonder what you missed if you don't give it a try.

That said, feelings do change. I'm sure that PK will be open to the idea that her desire for poly could fade away. And NG, I hope you'll do the same thing on your side and stay open to the idea that your fierce resistance to the idea might fade. You're right that her desire for this *might* some day become too strong for her to ignore without being unhappy... if that day does come, perhaps years from now, wouldn't it be wonderful if you'd been reading and thinking about it and had come around to feeling like you could give her some small measure of freedom that could make all involved happy and keep you both together?

Maybe it's unrealistic to think that could happen, and I'm interested to see what any mono men have to say. But my own bf was wholly against the idea of poly when he and I were still just fwb's and I first started dating my married gf. He thought it was a bad, flawed idea and not something he himself could ever do. Time went by and his feelings softened and now it's not a big deal to him. You've had a VERY short time to process this new idea... while it may seem incredibly improbable now, don't rule out the possibility of change with time.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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