Originally Posted by Carrie
In my mind, I should still be the "first wife," and he should still be the "first husband." Should it be more of an equal thing among all parties? And should I tell a new lover about my bf. And vice versa? One of them already knows about bf.
Hullo and welcome to the forum!
Don't want to sound all condescending, but isn't it a bit early to start talking about ordinal numbers for husbands and wives if you remain married to other people?
What is keeping you married, anyway?
As to should it be this or should it be that, that's really for you two to decide, and additional partners will have to decide if they are okay with that or not. Taking a look at the Glossary thread might help. Some people prefer to use descriptions like "primary", "secondary", "tertiary" to describe their level of involvement with different partners, others balk at the terms. Different people have different definitions for hierarchial vs. equal, for example.
I think most people on this forum would agree that poly relationships are conducted with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. So yes, you should tell your prospective lovers that you are married and have a boyfriend. I also personally think you should sort things out with your husband and his wife before starting to add any new people to the equation. When shit hits the fan with all the lying and cheating, there is going to be enough of collateral damage as it is.