Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive
I've seen BDSM relationships work because one party was flat out abusive - and the other party liked it enough that it didn't matter. In an instance like this, the narcisist/codependant dynamic can function. :shrug:
It does matter.
Abuse is never ok.
Abuse in a BDSM relationship is no more acceptable than abuse in a vanilla relationship. Possibly even less so because of the way abusive people can take advantage of the submissive's predisposition and ignorance to make them think the abuse is something that every submissive has to endure in order to get the gratification they crave.
If it's abuse and not negotiated play, then it's not the thing that the submissive partner likes. It's a variation of "No one else will have you, so even though I'm abusive, you can't leave me or else you'll be alone."
Now if it is part of their play, I have mixed feelings about asking them not to do it in front of me. On the one hand, it's fine to tell your friends if they do something that makes you uncomfortable. But from there, it's the friend's decision whether to respect your boundaries or not.
For many people, the thrill of doing it in public, of role playing the abuser-abused relationship in front of strangers, is exactly what makes it so exciting. Is it something I want to see? Not particularly. Is it something I want kids to see? Hellz no. But there's no law against it, and it's a slippery slope deciding how much you limit people's freedom. Maybe he really hates that red shirt you wear, but does that mean he has the right to tell you not to wear that shirt around him?