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Old 01-14-2012, 04:04 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
If she doesn't trust me now, I doubt she ever will. That would be very sad, for me...

I worry that she is NEVER going to be OK with him being poly, and I wonder how being with me can even be worth it to him.
I think your focus is misplaced. You seem to think that the big problem is HER not trusting you, HER non-acceptance of poly, HER need for you two to have barriers in place for sex, and that everything will be hunky-dory when SHE changes her position on these issues. But you are overlooking two things. First: She DID accept poly, by staying in the relationship with him and giving her okay for him to pursue another while they are still together, and setting boundaries for doing so. But you just don't like her terms. You and her husband are coming across a bit like whiny teenagers who just want to stay out all night without a curfew. Second: You yourself seem very unaccepting. If you can't accept that she will never be okay with poly, that she may not trust you, and that she will never feel okay with him going bareback with you... AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE... then you are no less difficult than how you perceive her to be. She's mono, deal with it. That is what you need to work around to be in a relationship with him.

AND there is no guarantee that getting your way and going bareback will magically give him a boner that lasts. There could be other factors, but you're so-o-o focused on making her the bad guy and that her insistence on using condoms is the reason sex with him is unsatisfying.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
Every time he sees me it seems to engender so much discord on his end. I would have walked away a long time ago, love or no love, if I thought that by doing so he would just default to monogamy and be content with that, but he is poly to the core. He has told her numerous times that he loves her dearly, but if she truly can't deal with him being poly, he will let her go and support her as much as he can in building a new life and new relationships. She chooses to stay...
You might still have to walk away anyway, if you can't be patient enough to let things progress at the speed of the person most uncomfortable with this. I have walked away from two opportunities to be in relationship with married poly men specifically because the ways that they conducted their relationships with their spouses didn't sit well with me. One of them I cared for very much. But why should I try and change their relationships? Not my job.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
Only one of them is content with the boundaries she has set. My boyfriend is not content with them at all. He wants to fluid bond with me. He will not push it too much at this point because he doesn't want to upset her anymore than just him being poly is upsetting her. However, he says that if she is still not agreeing to allow us in a year's time, he will likely go ahead without her agreement on it, assuming that it still feels safe to him to do so....
And you still want to be with him if he does that? You would be okay to break his agreement with her? I see no "walking a mile in her shoes" on your part at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair View Post
While I like to think that her attitude has changed, I can't be sure. Her behavior on the fluid bonding issue doesn't seem to support that it has, to me.

...when something isn't rational, I look for the reasons behind it. I know she has major sexual jealousy where he is concerned.
Again, she doesn't owe you an explanation. Her relationship with him is none of your business. Work on your relationship with him and stop discussing how unfair you think she is. Don't be a sounding board for his complaints. Find solutions that are just between you and him and don't depend on changing her and his relationship with her. I think you need to be more generous in spirit toward your metamour and just focus on kindling a better sexual dynamic with him while staying within the boundaries they have. By doing that, she might be able to eventually trust you, but that shouldn't be your ulterior motive. Just take care of your relationship with him, and let him worry about his relationship with her.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-14-2012 at 06:09 AM.
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