Just a quick update to this thread. When R came home last night he seemed to be feeling a lot better about things and we were talking reasonably for a while, but then things blew up again and we started arguing.
From my perspective, nothing has changed in our relationship with T&S since last week when R was telling me how much he trusted me and trusted T, and that he was okay with things now and realized it (the sex) wasn't the big deal he'd previously thought it was, that the sex was just a lot of fun and he knew it was that for me too, and that he was enjoying the friendship with T&S and had grown to care for S himself...blah, blah, blah.
But suddenly, and without warning or any cause that I can see (all he'll tell me is that hearing me with T that night was really hard for him and was especially so since things weren't coming together for him and S that night), R now feels the complete opposite and seems to see the relationship with T&S as a threat to our marriage. It doesn't seem to matter how much I reassure him, how much I try and remind him of the long talks we've had about this and the agreements that had come out of them, how much I remind him that I've never been anything but 100% open and honest with him and will continue, or how much I promise him that nobody could ever take his place in my heart and that this relationship with T&S is fulfilling in a completely different way and if anything is only making my love for R stronger. Now, the perspective he seems to be sticking to is that he has been pulled somewhat unwillingly
into this relationship that he never wanted in the first place
, suddenly realizes that he's been lying to himself all along, and can't tolerate his wife with another man.
But at the root of it, I think, is that I am more emotionally invested in this friendship with T&S than he is (that is true) and he is having a hard time understanding that and accepting that. But since this isn't exactly a new revelation, I'm not sure why it suddenly became such a problem for him out of the blue like this. And it doesn't mean that he isn't emotionally invested too. It just means that he is less so. I'm just so confused by his flip flopping opinions and I don't know which reflects his true feelings...this week or last week. Obviously I want to believe it was last week. Or at least somewhere near the middle so that we can maybe find a compromise.
So, it was with those differences that we went to bed last night. Big sigh...
But this morning, before he even got out of bed he asked me to read this thread. So I brought the PC and a cup of coffee to him and he read. I think it was hard for him to read (he thinks you all think he is a monster now though he sees the truth in much of what you wrote and recognizes we have a problem we have to fix), although he really appreciated SourGirl's comments...he said "finally, at the very end somebody understands me and the trouble I've been having with this."
Anyway, we didn't have much time before work, but it does seem that after a night of sleep his perspective is softening again. There was no more fighting this morning. I told him about one of the counselors I was interested in and that I was going to call him today, and he didn't object. So, I've left a message for that person and am just waiting for a call back now.
I am still feeling really bad about T&S. The last they knew everything was awesome, we'd just dropped some more boundaries and brought our relationship to another level of trust, and were looking forward to next week. Of course, all the flirty texts and email we are getting from them reflect that...and I'm not sure what if anything we should tell them and how we're going to deal with two nights alone with them in just a few days.
I so don't want to dump all of this on them and I know the idea that this could all come to an end like this will hurt them too. Ugh.