Originally Posted by inquiringmommy
any advice on how to approach this? I want to as open as possible in our communication, and am new to this so it is completely uncharted territory for me. I really feel we could make it work, as long as we lay a strong foundation beforehand. How do I convince him that I need this to feel whole, and that it would never replace/compete with/take away from what WE have together?
[...] I haven''t even approached my friend about his feelings about opening up to my husband...although he knows he wants to go to the next level with me...and we have both agreed that we want to stay in our current relationships...I love my husband and cannot imagine my life without him...
And I have to say: I so absolutely know what you are talking about. Reading about your insecurities and worries is like remembering how I felt roughly a year ago. I didn't know what to think of it, how to approach it, what I should do with the whole mess. So first of all, you are not alone.
But unfortunately there is no 'how to' book in regard to this matter. People are just so different. After years of pondering and worrying I just had to face my feelings and talk to the two men in my life. You will have to do the same. You have to explain yourself, explain the weird (from a monogamous point of view) situation to them and wait for their processing. You can't 'make' them wrap their head around it. They need to find out for themselves how they can deal with this. The only thing that you need to address for now is the state of things as they are for you.
Take your time, read more about possible problems and solutions to particular issues that you think are likely to surface in your relationship with your husband if he would be confronted with your desire. The stories on this side helped me to master the early stages of coming to terms with my wishes and the shape my desired future should have from my point of view.
When you feel ready, approach your husband and friend with your ideas and after you have done so: wait. Wait for them, give them at least as much time as you yourself needed. And talk to them. My husband needed many conversations to understand what I was trying to tell him. You can't do more than being there for them to talk to. They have to work through it for themselves. You can help them by showing some online resources or books that explain the matter or just parts of it and read through them together with them.
I can't guarantee that it will help, but my story has been similar. If you are interested, I wrote about it in my blog on this side (see signature). My husband has been really understanding, as well as my friend of many years, all of us are living together now. But that is an exception, as far as I know, most people maintain separated households when being in multiple relationships.
Cheer up and unknot your stomach for now. (I know that this is easier said than done
) There is much support to be found on this side. Start with sorting out what you want for yourself and how you possibly can voice those needs. There has been a point during that process, when I was unable to explain any more. It was all said. But I was able to show my husband that there has nothing changed. That I was still as much in love with him as before. That is the only advice I can give. If words don't work, try to make him feel that your feelings are still there. Good luck.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.