Sexual dysfunction in a new relationship (warning, sexual content here)
I have been in a long-distance relationship with an amazing man for about six months, plus knew him virtually for about four months before we actually met. He and I are in love and it's quite wonderful! I sometimes feel like my life would be just perfect if I could only see him more often. Right now we are averaging a weekend together about every three or four months.
My partner's wife is monogamous, although cautiously supportive of him and his poly nature. He has known he was poly for about six years now. I know she'd prefer that he be monogamous too, but she accepts that he is poly. I met her the last time I saw him, and although I wouldn't say we bonded as friends, she was polite and civil to me and welcomed me into her home, and I think that was probably the best I could have hoped for.
While I am not the first woman outside his marriage my partner has loved, I AM the first one he both loves, and has also had sexual intercourse with.
Here is the problem. My partner has some hormonal issues that have made sex difficult or impossible for him in the past. He's under the care of a doctor, and taking hormonal supplementation, and from a hormonal standpoint, at least, he is OK now. I do know that he has had issues with performance anxiety. He says he is having normal sexual intercourse with his wife most of the time. They do not use condoms. He does use condoms with me. While we have technically managed sexual intercourse a couple of times, it's always an "he's just barely hard enough to manage it" situation, and he always loses his erection a few minutes after we start. He has never had an orgasm with me. (I've had a bunch, he's great with his hands.) I can't seem to do a thing for him orally, or with my hands. He says that oral, at least, can't get him off anyway. I have the same problem myself.
I think we would have a good shot at successful intercourse if we could skip condoms. At the moment, my lover is my only partner outside of my marriage. My husband does not have other sexual partners outside of me at present. Neither my lover nor his wife have other partners. I was tested for all known STDs a few months ago and I was 100 percent fine, no oral herpes even. In addition, my lover had a vasectomy years ago.
I do realize that if any of us add partners, fluid bonding may have to end, depending on what is going on.
The problem is that my lover's wife refuses to approve us fluid bonding. He says she is worried about pregnancy. (Outside of him having a vasectomy, I am 47 years old too, and would never have a baby with anyone but my husband anyway.) I offered to use a backup method of contraception, and then he said she is worried about diseases. I point out that I have clean STD tests and no other partners at present. He then sighs, says she is not being rational and that he is not unhappy with our sex life. I don't like to tell him that I AM unhappy with our sex life, but of course I am. I want to see him have an orgasm. I want to have intercourse for more than three minutes. I want to have intercourse with a guy who is actually erect enough to penetrate me without serious gymnastics.
My lover's wife is aware that we are having these sexual difficulties, according to him. I suspect that this has nothing to do with pregnancy and disease, and everything to do with her wanting to be the only one he really enjoys sex with. I can't exactly say that to him though.
For now, I told my lover to try wearing condoms with his wife, and hopefully get used to them enough so that he can have normal sexual intercourse with a condom on.
Does anyone have any other suggestions? He did suggest a female condom for me, which his wife would approve as a substitute for a male one. I've never used one, but I already have some issues with decreased sensation during intercourse (ah, the joys of impending menopause), and I don't want to make things even worse in that area.