Queer Poly Woman In the Midst of Divorce Wishes She Wasn't Poly
I sought out this forum because I typed into google "How Do I stop being Poly?" I knew it was foolish. I know that I can't change the way my heart is built but everyday i wish that I could. At least part of me does.
Six years ago I had two steady wonderful girlfriends and a steady lover. I met my current husband who was poly curious and let the NRE consume me and let go of those other relationships. We closed our relationship, moved in together after just three months (old dyke habits are hard to break even for queer men) and everything was moving at a slightly alarmingly fast pace. Still I was happy to have stability in my life for the first time. After a year he asked me to marry him. I felt sick and nauseous. I didn't want to lose him but I didn't want to get married either. I felt my life slipping away from me. I couldn't believe that I would never sleep or love anyone else ever again. The thought made my heart ache. I've known I was poly since I was a teen. I always had the problem of "loving too many people at once" or "Having too many people in love with me at once". I thought that if I tried hard enough I could put being poly aside. My (soon to be former) partner was perfectly happy to be nonmonogmous: that is to have occasional lovers that we hooked up with when one of us was traveling but he does not desire emotional connections with those people and cannot tolerate me having those emotional connections. we've been together six years. I've built my whole life around him but not really. I've had depression and anxiety since I can remember but that past three years I've been deeply depressed. part of me feels excited about the possibility of a new life where I can be poly but another part of me wants desperately to change. To stop being poly. If I still prayed to God or believed in God it is likely that I would ask for this sort of Christmas miracle. Alas I am an atheist Jew and I stopped asking God to cure me of my queerness when I was eighteen. I don't know what to do. I am sad. I can't imagine the life where I will be happy. I'm losing my best friend. I am losing my family. My family is fully of bigots, addicts and people that are so mentally ill they can't support me. I'm aching. I don't know what to do.
We've tried to open our relationship many times and have been in therapy for years. Each time we've opened the relationship and I've been with other people it's put my husband in terrible pain. I've had strong romantic feelings for other people and recently had a very intense love affair (with my partners knowledge) with a man I was really into. He ended it with me because I'm in such turmoil now I was always dropping emotional bombs on him. I see that clearly now and I'm glad he broke up with me and stood up for himself. My husband is moving out in two days and I'm devastated.