NYCIndie just posted a few links on poly-friendly marriage councelling, but I can't for the life of me find it now. I hope she pops up on this thread to share
Regarding abusive relationships; it's not the frequency, it is the emotional impact of fearing certain situations and certain triggers that marks out an abusive relationship, just like Phy said. I was very infrequently abused physically in a close relationship but all those times left lasting marks on my psyche. We get along great these days, but we can't live together anymore. Not all abusers are bad people, but they should get help regardless.