Annabel, Black Unicorn, Redpepper -- thank you so much for hearing the pain and heartache in what I wrote yesterday. There was a great deal of that. R and I have a very deep soul connection. Even as angry with him as I was, when he hurts, I hurt. Of course, I am also hurting for myself because I care for this couple that have become such an important part of our lives.
I cried last night when I read the first couple of responses. I cried again this morning when I reread them.
In some ways, you are right. R has NOT shown much emotional maturity about any of this. The way he is treating me is NOT right. His emotional blowups are NOT healthy. It is absolutely clear that he is NOT in touch with his true feelings about all of this and he is letting himself get carried away by the waves of emotion.
As a result of the above I AM suffering. I am the one getting hurt now, but you are all right that I am also VERY concerned that T&S will also get hurt. If R can't get a grip on his emotions and can't learn to control his anger and impulses, it is truly only a matter of time. If I care about them as much as I say I do, maybe I DO need to let them go. Yes, I am grieving over that and yes, beyond my concern for my own marriage, that was a big part of the heartache behind what I wrote yesterday.
I am well aware of the dynamics of abusive relationships.
But, I need to defend R here. I think it is unfair to label a man abusive because of a few moments over the course of 30 years. And really, that's all we're talking about. I can think of maybe a max of 20 times in almost 30 years when he has blown up in the way I described. Unfortunately, everything that has been happening over the past year has pushed all his buttons and about 5 of those 20 have happened in the last 12 months. But, I can count on one hand when those blowups have become physical (a shove, a raised hand, etc.). So maybe 5 instances in 30 years. Yes it is wrong. Yes in those moments of time it is abusive. Yes I am emotionally bruised when that happens. But no, my husband is not an abusive man.
In fact, with the exception of those moments above I have an incredible husband and a relationship that very, very few people are ever fortunate enough to have.
He is an extraordinary, very involved, and very loving father and together we raised a beautiful, intelligent, healthy child to adulthood. We both have a very good, very strong relationship with her.
I am a business owner and a very successful one, and he is happy to be the man behind the woman. He has always given me all the support I need, both practical (doing more than his fair share around the house) and emotional. From my perspective, we are a team and I could never have accomplished all I have without him. In addition to this, he is extremely hard working and very respected and successful in his own profession.
He is a very compassionate man who has cared for three elderly members of his family in the time I have known him -- including one right now for which he is the primary person responsible for (a stressor that probably isn't helping the situation we are going through now).
With the minor exception of the problems I described yesterday (and clarified today) he is ridiculously loving to me. He tells me he loves me every day, even after all these years. He is very touchy feely and loves to hug and kiss and cuddle with me. We have a great sex life. He tells me all the time that I am beautiful, that he is proud of me, and that he is a lucky man. He tells anyone that will listen the same thing.
Yes, he has an anger management problem. Yes, this whole swinging/friends-with-benefits relationship with T&S has brought those problems to the forefront. Yes we have to deal with them. Yes I am hurting and hurting badly over this. But R is not an abusive husband.
But really, I want you all to know I am listening to and considering everything and all the advice. I just needed to clarify the above.
Last edited by awakeandready; 01-12-2012 at 03:08 PM.
Reason: Added emphasis