I'm feeling worse and worse just in general. I live with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (J), and am still in the talking stage of with what I would safely call a 2nd boyfriend emotionally only because that is what his wife and really all of us are comfotable with right now.
What I realized I was poly about 3 years ago when I was seeing an amazing guy and fell for J, at first my boyfriend said it was ok then he decided that polyamory was not acceptable for him and that I would have to choose. I chose myself and who I knew that I was and we broke up. We've remained friends and still talk almost daily on IM, although it's been bumpy staying friends and we avoid certain topics.
My problem is that I find myself resenting who I am some days. There are so many things I love about polyamory and forming deep loving connections with other people. Even the idea of one day living with a large polyamorus family it just is right. But 3 years later I still love my ex, I miss him and I always beat my head against the same wall "I wish he was poly..." or "I wish I wasn't"
I just wanted to put it out there. Has anyone else struggled like this? I know that I would not be happy with someone who wanted to be monogamus, at least not emotionally. but I don't know how to just accept myself and let him go.
sorry if this is disorganized and rambling. any thoughts or suggestions would help. except telling me to not be his friend, his dad is very ill and he doesn't have many friends it's just not something I could do.