When I first had sex with another person whilst in an incredibly loving, respectful, supportive and open relationship I suffered terrible guilt. The person I slept with was more of a one night stand...and to be honest, I choose a one night stand so I could explore my feelings about having sex with someone who was not my love...and actually seperate that from any emotional aspect.
Kinda a bit wierd in retrospect. But it was a little like dipping my toes in the water. I basically set this up so I could gauge my feelings about sex with another...
I have deep love with another where it's basically a non sexual partner type arrangement...so I'd already explored loving more than one..
So...without directly combining the two (love and sex) I started exploring having
a. Love outside a primary relationship
b. Sex outside a primary relationship
I felt terribly guilty. My love was fine, he was supportive and understanding and encouraging...but I was really surprised at how guilty I felt.
The programming that I was cheating on my darling was very strong, I was taken by surprise. But, the more I thought about it....it actually had nothing to do with the actual intimacy with another.
I became aware my guilt was about taking part in something that had the capacity
to damage my relationship. Choosing to lie to a partner - That's something that has the capacity
to damage the relationship. Being disrespectful to a partner - that's something that has the capacity
to damage the relationship.
I want to be very clear that I'm not equating anyone's poly to lying or disrespecting. I'm talking about capacity for damage only.
Now, of course...it didn't damage our relationship. But the capacity
for damage is there for sure. And well, it's evident all over this forum...there is capacity for relationships to be damaged considerably, and for people to end up very, very, hurt.
But ya know...I've also travelled through war zones. Is there a possibility of getting hurt ? Yes. So, being mindful of that and taking precautions is very important
"Do you want a UN security escort?"
"Yeah, that would be great...thanks !"
Why did I do that ? I thought it might be interesting, I thought I might learn something. It was interesting and I did learn