(Continued part 3) Over the past 7 months with T&S, I've really tried to protect myself against getting hurt. I don't know why I'm so afraid of it, but I am. And when R has had his emotional outbursts he has threatened to just suddenly end the relationship with T & S, telling me that he just can't handle it anymore (T&S don't know any of this--we've so far kept our drama to ourselves). I want to respect my husband's feelings, I really do. And when he has said this before I have tried so hard not to get angry and just accept it, but I find myself really grieving over what I am sure is going to be the end of a relationship with people that I have come to care about so much. R has let me go on like this for as much as two days before telling me that he's feeling better and sorry and he didn't mean it. But in the meantime I've gotten a taste of just how much it could really hurt.
For the past few weeks now R has been telling me that he has become completely comfortable and as long as I continue to be open and honest with him and never to hide anything, there is nothing I could do with T that would upset him--basically that his insecurities and emotional roller coaster were a thing of the past. I really believed him and started to let my guard down and really feel this friendship with them--just kind of settle in it and quit worrying. What a relief!
New Years Eve T&S came to our place and we had an awesome night as usual. R told me after that he had "performance problems" that night, but I know he "finished" with S and it looked like they were having fun, so I'm not sure what he was talking about except maybe endurance. In the morning T had to work and left early but S stayed at our house. That's when one of the big boundary violations happened. We (the 4 of us) had talked briefly about maybe seeing each other separately but had agreed not to go ahead with that until we all had a chance to talk more about it. We hadn't had that talk yet but R proceeded to have sex with S without asking me if it was ok, without asking me to join them if I wanted, and alone in one of the bedrooms. Absolutely no concern for my feelings at all. No concern that I was alone and excluded. Then a few days ago he fessed up and told me he had cum inside of her on NYE even though one of our rules was that he would pull out for that--and I know he has the control to do that because he's been pulling out with me every time for years now (even when I told him I liked it inside and wished he wouldn't). So I was very hurt and upset over both of those things, but I tried not to get angry and not to blow things out of proportion, and I was doing my best to try and understand and forgive him.
All week as I was working through this R kept up telling me how awesome things were now, and how he wasn't insecure at all anymore, and he even used the words "I'm taking your reigns off to make your own decisions with T" because he trusted us both. S also felt bad for what had happened, said she was sorry, and said that they owed T & I some alone time.
So this weekend we went and spent two nights at their house. Before anything, we had a great talk about what was going on between the 4 of us and boundaries and where they stood now, and R told both T & S what he had told me...that his boundaries for me and T had evaporated and I was free to make my own decisions and that he would be okay with them. I talked about how I was okay with doing things as separate 2-somes as long as all 4 of us were together (i.e., separate rooms) but that I wasn't okay with someone being excluded without their consent, like R & S had excluded me the weekend before.
Then we got started, all 4 of us in the same room. T & I were having a great time together, but R later told me he was having "performance problems" (I think this time he meant he wasn't staying hard) and S was really tired and had to work the next morning, so at some point she left the room and went to bed. R came over and joined T & I for a while, but then he laid back and closed his eyes, pretty much indicating that he was done for the night. But T & I were not done, so when T left the room briefly to check on S, I asked R if it would be okay if T & I had a little time alone to finish up. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to be alone with T, but I was uncomfortable continuing with R just lying there and not participating. R looked taken aback by my question and didn't answer, but when T came back he did get up and go upstairs, leaving us alone. So we proceeded. I think we were alone for maybe 45 minutes or so, then T left to go to bed and R came down to go to bed with me. But when R came down he made some comment about having been upstairs listening to us the whole time and he was acting angry and like he didn't want to touch me.
I laid awake almost all night worrying about R, and every time I looked over R was awake too, but by morning it seemed like it had pretty much blown over except that R was still being a little distant with me. S had to work so R & I spent the day with T and we had a really fun "vanilla" day just being friends. R even told me at several points during the day how much fun he was having and how he was enjoying hanging out with T. But we were all still really tired from the night before and agreed to just hang out and have a vanilla night when S came home, since we all had to work the next day.
But as the night went on there was some cuddling and then some kissing and things started to heat up. A few times I could see R making eyes at me over S's shoulder, basically telling me that he didn't want anything to happen. So I kept expecting him to call a stop at any time, which would have been okay with me, but he didn't and things started to heat up more and before you knew it clothes were coming off, so I figured he had changed his mind and decided he was into it too. T & S went to grab a blanket and candles from the other room at that point, so I had a few minutes alone with R, and that's when I realized he had been expecting ME to figure out his signals from across the room and for ME to stop things. Worse, he was not happy with me at all since I had "let" things progress to that point.
Not knowing what else to do, at that point I stopped it since it was clear that was what R expected of me, and I told T & S I was sorry, but we really were tired and were going to go to bed after all.
When we got downstairs, I was really annoyed and probably expressed that more than I should have knowing R's anger management problems like I do. But I was upset and I wanted him to know it. Not upset that he didn't want to continue the night. But upset at his expectations of me. We started arguing (thankfully quietly, I don't think T or S overheard) and before I knew it R was at that point of no return. He acually called me a slut, physically pushed me out of the bed, and got up and started to dress and said he was going home and leaving me to "fuck" T. I was beside myself...horribly embarrassed to have this happening in someone else's home and so afraid that if T & S overheard that would be the end of our relationship. They wouldn't put up with behavior like that and I wouldn't blame them.
As soon as R blew like that my reaction was to try and calm him down and eventually I did that enough that we laid down and went to sleep. We had to get up very early and drive home (a silent ride). That was yesterday. And things have been horrible since. The roller coaster is totally back and worse than ever. He has apologized for his behavior and the name he called me, but he keeps expressing silly insecurities that aren't true ("you don't make noises like that with me" and "you kept sitting closer to him than to me" and "I could tell you wanted to be with him more than me"). He actually asked me last night if I wanted to leave him. And he has threatened a couple of times to "call T right now and end it." Some of the insecurity might have something to do with him too, not just me, because he's talked a few times about "performance problems" and he didn't want to have them again on that second night and have S think that it was her. This morning he was acting sad and remorseful but told me that he didn't think he could "go where I wanted him to go," meaning the ongoing relationship with T & S, and that if I didn't want him to come home from work tonight I should just call and tell him.
So I'm back to grieving over what again seems like it will be a sure end to a relationship with a couple that I've grown to really care for. Maybe R will get over it again, but even if he does, is this drama going to keep happening over and over again? What are we doing to our marriage? Before when R got like this I just hurt for him and tried my best to understand and help him get past it. But this time given his recent boundary violations that I've tried so hard to be understanding of and forgive, I find myself angry at him and his unpredictable mood swings that seem so irrational since I haven't even done anything wrong. If we continue are we damaging our marriage in a way that we won't be able to fix? If we don't continue how will each of us deal with the loss of our friends? R keeps "accusing" me saying that I'll be "resentful" of him if he ends it. I want to say that isn't true. I love him. Our marriage is my priority. He's my best friend and my soulmate. I know that with all my heart and I've proved it to him over and over. But this "friendship" with T&S has really snuck up on me and I really do care about them and don't want it to end. How can I help but be angry and resentful if it ends this way? Would that be wrong of me? R seems to think it would. I'm so confused right now, so hurt, so scared.
If anyone actually read through all of this and has any thoughts or advice, I'm listening. Thanks and I'm so sorry for the novel.