(Continued) Fast forward to about a year ago and we make the decision to venture very slowly and step-by-step into soft swinging. So we go to a swingers resort and to a few local clubs and sign up for one of the websites. Right from the start we were both turned off by the idea of anonymous sex and one-night stands, so without realizing we were doing it we start looking for friends with benefits. We had very mild soft swinging experiences with several couples and though we haven't continued swinging with them, the friendships we developed did continue.
Right from the start R had issues over the swinging--insecurity and some jealousy. On the other hand, I took to it really well. Any self-image and self-confidence problems I had virtually disappeared almost overnight. And any sexual hang ups I had left over from the abuse--gone. Completely gone. The best that I can explain it is that I had been repressing this sexual side of myself for all of these years, thinking that sex was bad and dirty. But when I finally gave myself permission to embrace my sexuality and just recognize it for what it was--wow! Strange as it sounds, thanks to those swinging experiences I am a happier, healthier, more whole person than I have ever been.
But, as I said, my husband had issues with insecurity. Right from the very beginning, within a few hours of an experience I would start to see that temper that I hate so much. Then once that had burned itself out he would go through this whole range of emotions--jealousy, sadness, guilt. Sometimes an agonizing day or two would go by when he wouldn't interact with me, didn't want to touch me, didn't want to talk about it. Then the next thing you know he's enthusiastic about it again, apologizing for his behavior, and looking forward to the next experience. It was a very emotionally charged roller coaster for us both. Because of that, by last spring we had taken a step backwards and were reassessing if and where we fit in the lifestyle.
Then we meet this couple online and start corresponding with them. They were completely brand new to swinging and were just looking for advice regarding a local hotel party we had gone to, but the emails started going back and forth and before you knew it we had decided to meet them for drinks one night just to talk and give them advice--remember, we had taken a step back and weren't really looking for anything more at that point.
I'll call them T (him) and S (her). That's where it started. T&S are an attractive couple, the same age group as us, and right from the start we really liked them both a lot and them us. We were the first people they had met in the lifestyle and when we started soft swinging we were their first experience...and still are the only people they've been with. We have incredible fun with them. The sexual chemistry is intense but we also, right from the start began making very strong connections with them as friends. At first it was mostly T & I connecting that way. We have similar personalities and approaches to life and lots in common. But I was also very friendly with S, and then my husband and S started to become good friends and though it took him a little longer to really warm up to T, now my husband and T are good friends as well.
The emotional roller coaster continued for R, but kept getting less and less, so all was good. They live quite a ways from us and still have a young child at home, and we all have busy careers, so it isn't always as often as we might like, but we started seeing a lot of T&S. At first every three weeks or so, but now that has increased to every week or two. Both socially and for swinging "dates" -- and we've each started to integrate the other couple into our every day lives with family and other friends. Over the past 7 months not even a single day has gone by that we haven't talked to them, mostly by email and text.
By the end of summer we had started full swapping with them and while we often get so focused on each other once a swap starts that we end up as two 2-somes, we've also had some really hot 3-somes and 4-somes. No interaction between the guys, but S and I each have some bi tendencies, so we sometimes interact. Anyway, it's been incredible with them. We have absolutely no interest in venturing out to other couples and so far they haven't either. Since we were each completely clean of any STIs and monogamous for many years previously (except for our mild soft swinging) it has also been cool because we haven't had to use condoms--a definite benefit of the exclusivity.
As I said, we also have this friendship going on with T&S beyond the swinging and recently R&I have had many, many talks about how much we've come to care for T&S, what that means for us and our marriage, what that means for them and their marriage, what it means for the 4 of us as a quad, etc. It is all VERY confusing. What is this that we feel for them? Yes it is swinging, but it is also something more than that, but we don't know what it is. They are in our thoughts all the time and we find ourselves wanting to spend as much of our free time together as we can. I know I've become emotionally attached to T&S and I worry a lot about getting hurt when 1 of the 4 decides to end it (that is inevitable isn't it?), but I'm trying to just live in the moment and enjoy this relationship for what it is while we have it. We've never known anyone with a relationship like this so we have no model to go on. And R&I were so young when we met that we have very little experience dating others--especially me. All of this is just so new, so unusual to us. Even to me who is so unconventional and adventurous.
Even though T & I are probably the more impulsive 2 between the 4 of us, and things get REALLY hot between us when we are together, we've been really good at following the "rules" we each have as couples and never crossing any boundaries. I wouldn't even dream of doing anything to hurt R (I love him so completely and when he hurts, I hurt for him) and I know disrespecting our boundaries (which keep getting less and less as time goes on) would hurt him. He and his well being are always primary in my mind. On the other hand, R & S have broken the rules and crossed boundary lines several times. This is a side of R that I have never seen before as all of these instances have been the result of him initiating it. It is like in the heat of the moment he just forgets about me and does what he wants without any concern for my feelings. As a result, for the first time in our marriage I have some trust issues with him. But I'm working through them and I've told him that as long as he always remembers his priorities and keeps me primary, I'm okay with most anything. I'm not a jealous person and I'm secure in R's love for me so that helps. (continued...)