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Old 01-11-2012, 04:18 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Hi PaperGrace,
I just re-read your posts in this thread (I confess to skimming before now). I see how my question of getting another regular day per week would be ver-r-r-r-r-ry difficult. Somehow it did not register with me that PaperSO has not only a wife but two other gfs, as well as you. And a child. And you sound like you have quite an active life, and many friends for whom you also make time. Yes, poly scheduling, indeed!

However, allotting time isn't really the heart of the matter. I can relate to how bittersweet it can feel to be in bed alone when you and SO say goodnight to each other on the phone. Even though I do not want a primary of my own, and have yet to juggle multiple serious relationships for very long since I embraced polyamory, I can identify with that sense that something is missing. Most of my relationships, since I chose to live polyamorously, have been more casual than anything else. I see my current lover about once a week, sometimes twice a week, and sometimes once every other week. He and I've been careful to keep this very lighthearted and not demanding, and in a sense I suppose that kind of "distance" can be similar to being a "secondary."

Neither of us has anyone else but I agreed to a FWB situation because he said he didn't think he could involve himself any deeper than that. I do love him and the situation is actually perfect for how my life is right now, but many times I wish I had more involvement in some way with someone (though not by having a primary partner, and not with him when it comes right down to it -- because I don't think he and I are meant to be closely entwined). I want to meet someone and develop another relationship, if that could happen, and like the appeal of having several no-muss-no-fuss lovers (my latest poly goal). The truth is I like my autonomy, yet sometimes when I lay in bed alone at night I feel the loneliness like crazy. And until it comes to fruition that I do have another relationship, I am left to feel the holes in this one, even though I am happy with it and do love him. The dichotomy of emotions is confusing sometimes. And I think it's understandable if you feel some amount of struggle with pursuing a primary while you are in a relationship, as Opalescent described. I think Opalescent mentioned some very pertinent aspects to consider.

I was thinking of the song lyrics "Love the one you're with" when I first clicked here tonight, because I believe I'd rather have something good part-time than give it up for something unpredictable (any new relationships you may start). I personally think I would want to continue with my SO even just once a week and remain open to other possibilities, or actively seek them out, and see what happens. Then but after rereading everything, I realized that would be a glib thing to just toss those lyrics at you. It might still be useful for you to approach it like that, with a sense of joy and abandon, but you also might have a tough decision to make. Obviously there is a lot of love in your relationship with SO, and if you were getting your needs met in other ways or with someone else, it sounds like it's just a wonderful situation. I am sorry I spent so much space talking about myself, and I guess I don't really have any advice to offer, but I just wanted you to know that I empathize with what you're going through very much, even though our situations are different.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 01-11-2012 at 04:55 AM.
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