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Old 01-10-2012, 07:12 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by avoidscauliflour View Post
...part of these issues are rooted in mono/poly mindsets. Or at least that’s how it was presented to me. I'll give you a concrete example. My partner wont join me in several activities, ranging from the completely mundane (won't join me for poker night) to serious (won't come with me to visit my family) in terms of my emotional needs.

...Really seriously she wont visit my family with me.

Well – its not that she wont. When I have convinced her to come – she's bitter and grouchy the entire time and pressures me into leaving early – or leaving without me. She feels coerced, like I'm stripping her of her freedoms.

I explained to her that it was important to me, and her reaction was something along the lines of “just because I love you doesn't mean that I should do things just to keep you happy if they make me miserable - find someone else to do it with” or like “why are you trying to change me?”

...I'm just talking about a boring weekend with my sisters so I can catch up with my nieces and nephews. More than that, I want HER to see ME with my family, to see how my sisters are an influence in my life. I also want my parents to see that she's a positive influence in my life. Her take on it is just kinda like “I don’t want to or need to”

Is this really a poly-mindset? As poly-couples go, do you the rest of you really not make any sacrifices for the other? I really don't get the benefit to so much unbridled freedom.
I am in the process of getting divorced, but even when my ex and I were in good shape, I never wanted to go with him to his family stuff; I didn't like most of them and their attitudes, and it was so-o-oooo boring for me. So I didn't go, and eventually he didn't mind it because he knew that I spoke a different "language" than his family does (not for real - we all spoke English, but I mean I just don't "get" them and what they're about). It was important to him in the beginning right after we got married, maybe just the first year, but afterwards, no.

It's not a poly thing. I have always been monogamous, and certainly my husband and I were mono. But I just never feel beholden to please family of anyone I'm involved with, 'cause to me, it's the people involved that count more than who else among the person's family likes me or not. I hate familial obligations in any way, my own family included. I guess this comes from my background - if my mother was mad or upset at a relative, she wouldn't speak to them anymore, or cut them off completely. Most of my relativesare the same way -- we either tell it like it is, tell each other off, or stop speaking to each other. My husband's family pretended to be nice to everyone's faces, yet bitched about them behind their backs. He knew I hated that, I'd rather have the honesty.

So, to me, I would rather choose to be with family members (whether mine or a partner's) because I like being with them or we'd be doing something I'm interested in, and for no other reason. To me, things like family functions are totally optional, unless it's super important to my partner. A wedding, christening, or milestone birthday party, okay, I'd usually go with him (most of the time). A boring weekend hanging around with my partner's relatives just for no reason when I could be doing something else, not important enough. Your gf may have a similar attitude, and you two just might be incompatible around this issue.

Not saying there aren't other issues between you, but I just thought I'd respond to that part.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 01-10-2012 at 07:15 PM.
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